A list of puns related to "Ground Water"
Well...
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
That well escalated quickly!
Money well spent
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
I was a spring chicken.
Well well well
I know he means well
...I just donโt know how to leave well enough alone.
Ba-dum, tsssssss.
I said, well water doesnt sound that hard
So I sent them a 'Get well' card.
I've just sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
So there was a man and woman at a bar. The man says "I bet you 5 bucks this magic water will make me fly!" the woman clearly didn't believe him so she accepted the bet. Sure enough the man jumps off the roof and flies for a bit until he gently goes back to the ground. The girl was amazed! She said "You should market this stuff." "You could make millions!" Still in shock she asks for a drink. She takes a swig and a small crowd forms because this girl is about to jump off of a building. She jumps off and falls onto the pavement. The guy is laughing his head off. Suddenly someone shouts from the crowd "You're a mean drunk superman!"
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกBefore you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
Two landed on the ground and one landed in the water.
Badoom tshhhhhh!
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโt think theyโll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
โEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โThe good news is..itโll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
โIโll call you later!โ- โPlease donโt do that. Iโve always asked you to call me Dad!โ
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
โMy dad literally told me this one last week: โDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โโ
โWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โNo, just leave it in the carton!โโ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnโt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iโve ever read, Iโd say: โWow, thatโs coincidental.โ
Iโm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itโs house? Igloos it together.
โMe: โDad, make me a sandwich!โ Dad: โPoof, Youโre a sandwich!โโ
โI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
โHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโre all girls, otherwise theyโd be uncles.โ
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ its pasteurized before you even see it
โWhatโs Forrest Gumpโs password? 1forrest1โ
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โDonโt worry; this is a piece of cake.โ I said: โNo, itโs a math problem.โ
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donโt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit โกThe best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.
Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.
Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.
Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.
Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.
The first guy was named Jim and the second guy was named Joe. They were starving, and dying of thirst. They kept walking in one direction hoping that they would get out of the desert before they died. They had been lost a long time, and it wasn't looking good.
Then, in a stroke of good luck, they found an oasis. In the oasis there was plenty of water and trees growing. On the trees, was every kind of bacon imaginable. Crispy bacon, soft bacon, even Canadian bacon (even though it doesn't really count). Joe says, "I'm going to go eat some bacon."
So Joe goes and gets some bacon out of a low tree.
Just as he takes his first bite, a gremlin jumps out of the foliage, and stabs him in the back with a knife.
Joe is laying on the ground dying, and his friend Jim comes up to him. Joe says in a warning, "Jim run away. It's not safe here!"
"Why not?" Jim asked.
"This oasis isn't what it seems! It isn't a bacon tree, IT'S A HAM-BUSH!!!"
And he died.
We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.
Disappointed
A man was a painter, he sold paint and also painted houses for people. However, he liked to water down the paint and thin it. He would cheat his customers by forcing them to buy more paint than they needed due to the low quality.
One day, while up on a ladder painting a house with his thinned paint a bolt of lightning struck at him and he fell to the ground.
He heard a deep booming voice from heaven yell "repaint and thin no more!"
My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:
"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."
As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.
Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.
I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.
I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.
I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.
After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.
I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.
So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.
I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.
As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.
The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.
I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.
This joke has been told to me
... keep reading on reddit โกFunny collection of chemistry puns
What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโs 0K now.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone
What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.
Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canโt helium or curium, you barium!
Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.
Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itโs in the ground state.
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoโs number.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What element is a girlโs future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโs 0K now.
What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium
What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe
What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A โgramโ cracker.
What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a โcarbonkneelโ
What did one titration tell the other? Letโs meet at the endpoint.
How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itโs basic material.
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down
Why do chemistry professor like to
... keep reading on reddit โกFunniest horse puns and jokes
A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โHey, weโve got a whisky named after you.โ The horse replies: โWhat, George?โ
A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โEveninโโ says the barman, โwhy the long face?โ
A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โWait you canโt come in here without a tie.โThe horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โThis alright?โ The barman says: โHmm, okโฆ but donโt be starting anything.โ
A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โI shouldnโt really be drinking this with what Iโve got?โ โWhy, what have you got?โ โAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ
Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโs a horseโs favourite TV show? Neighbours
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ he asks The vet replies: โOf course you will, and youโll probably win!โ
Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
โIโm sorry, sir,โ says the barman. โWe donโt serve spirits..
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โExcuse me, good sir,โ the horse says, โare you hiring?โ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โSorry, pal. Why donโt you try the circus?โ The horse nickers. โWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ
Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.
What did the horse say when it fell? โIโve fallen and I canโt giddyup!โ
Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโs name was Friday.
Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
What did the horse say when it fell? Iโve fallen and I canโt giddyup!
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?
What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo
... keep reading on reddit โกI am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.
What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives
Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.
What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...
The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.
Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.
We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.
There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.
A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words
Sรธ, I hรชรกrd yรถลซ lรฌkรซ fรถrรฉigรฑ aรงฤฤลtลก
As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.
My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...
There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.
There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!
(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!
A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.
A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.
A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.
Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.
We had just finished dinner and were sitting around the table. My grandma "well..." and starts to get up. My grandpa chimes in with "That's a hole in the ground that you get water from."
Took us both a second to get.
I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long.
I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh.
Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there.
One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty.
The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment.
Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop.
With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him.
"Only Hugh could prevent florist fires."
I knew he meant well.
Well.
Well, well, well
well, well, well...
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit โกI know he means well
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโt think itโs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereโs a new type of broom out, itโs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit โกThey walk up to the bartender and order. The girl orders water and the man orders magic water. The girl asks him "What's magic water?" The man replies "Its just like water but when you drink it you can fly." The girl exclaims "I don't believe you, prove it." So the two run up the stairs to the roof and the man jumps off and glides to the ground safely. The girl runs back down the stairs and meets back with the guy. She demands that he should give her some magic water to fly. So he does and the both go back up to the roof and jump off. The guy glides down and lands safely while the girl just feel and died. The guy reentered the bar and the bartender told him "You can be a real dick when you are drunk Superman"
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