In the Worcestershire.
but I am expecting the wurst.
It was a barbie queue
I'm Lack Toast Intolerant.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡A grill runs out of gas
"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"
If he sees it’s me or other family members, when answering the phone he’ll bust out the “Joe’s Bar & Grill, grill speaking.” The best part is he still thinks it’s as clever as it was when I was a kid. Makes me laugh.
"On the grill!"
Even though all his kids are adults kow, my dad still pulls out the old classics while we're out to the local burger joint.
So I went to the store earlier, and decided to get some steaks and burgers that I could throw on the grill in case our power goes out again (which it probably will). Almost all of the meat was gone from the main part of the case, but I saw some nice cuts in the section up above. I grabbed an employee and asked him to get them down for me, and I asked why they hadn't moved them down already. He just shrugged and said "It's been crazy in here all day. The steaks have never been higher."
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.
"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"
"Just a single banana." he said.
After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...
...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...
...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...
And for whatever reason, he got his job back!
So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!
Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."
Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....
NOTHING.
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:
-$4.50 for a grilled cheese (heavenly)
-$3.00 for a small shake
-$0.60 tax
The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"
I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"
I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...
On my way out to the backyard grill...
Mother-in-law: What did you say?
Me: I said I almost forgot the lighter.
MIL: Oh, I thought you said you needed the ladder.
Me: That's right, I need the ladder. Because the steaks have never been higher.
My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
I was in the fenced in side yard grilling some chicken for dinner. I had the kids in the front yard playing. I told my wife I put them out there so they wouldn't get all up in my grill.
So we're having a BBQ at the park, grilling hot dogs and stuff and my brother brought potato salad for everyone, but only brought one plastic fork.
His wife asks if she can share it with him, and he says; "Nope, I am going to burn it as soon as I use it so there's no favoritism."
I say to him; "Why burn it? Why not just throw it out in the street?"
"Huh? Why would I do that?" he says.
"Because bro, that's how you get the fork in the road."
Groans and laughter were had by all. I was extremely proud of myself.
My girlfriend and I were grilling out, listening to Pandora. The song Some Nights came on and she said, "Oh, I saw them in concert."
My response. "I bet that was Fun."
It took her a few seconds before she shot me an evil glare.
My grandfather came over today, and looked out at our back porch.
He paused and said, "I see you have a new patio chair. Oh! And it's Irish cousin, patio grill."
I had steak cooking outside on the grill and when I came back out after a couple of minutes, I found the grill had caught on fire and flames were doing a nice char-grilled number on the meat.
Cue me bursting into full rendition of Alicia Keys' recent song, "This grill is on fire...."
Daughters, wife and mother-in-law were disappointingly unimpressed.
I was building a new deck at the back of my house for a grill. Then I decided that it needed a counter for food prep, holding beers, etc. Well now that I have a counter, wouldn't it be great to have an outdoor fridge? Yes, yes it would. Needless to say, the size of the deck got a little out of control.
My wife sees the framing going up and says, "What do you need all this space for?"
I say, "Grilling meat and relaxation."
She responds, "Are you planning to do yoga while you grill?"
I say, "Yes. Downward Hot Dog."
She quips, "Careful, you wouldn't want to burn your little Warrior."
Me: I'm hungry can you make me a sandwich?
Dad: Here, let me make you a grilled cheese.
(proceeds to open fridge, and take out the cheese)
Dad: GOD DAMNIT CHEESE,YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHIN. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME WORK DONE TODAY. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU WONT BE HERE NEXT MONDAY...
I never got a sandwich.
