Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

Because he was a her before.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2022
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What is an alternative name for train tracks?

Choo choo terrain.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2023
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Why did Hitler never take a taxi?

He was more of an Uber person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/subzeroNL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2023
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One good way to cook chicken is in the back of a large steam train where the coal is stored.

It makes the meat very tender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2021
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Dad Pun Bot - The jokes write themselves! beta.character.ai/chat?ch…
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2022
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I haven’t been β€˜trained’ enough to come up with a good title
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pluey200
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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What’s the best way to become a gynecologist?

Go study abroad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmumm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2022
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The Rabbit Joke (as told by Norm)

Shoutout to u/TomrummetsKald for the original post that gained so much traction. This is my take on that joke if it was told by the late, great Norm MacDonald. Feel free to read in a voice that reminds you of moths or professors of logic.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse says to the rabbit, β€œOh, what makes you want to give blood today, rabbit?” And the rabbit begins to explain.

β€œOh, nurse, it was such a long journey to get here. You see, I was very sickly as a child. I had a rare anemia of the blood that has been passed down through my family across the generations. There was little that the doctors could do. But then, one day, my older brother died in a horrible, fiery crash, and I was too weak to give him the blood that could have saved his life.

β€œI became terribly distraught and sought out the counsel of our family priest, who told me the best way to get over my guilt and my shame was to become strong and physically conditioned so that one day even I, with my rare anemia of the blood, could give the blood that could not save my brother, but could save other rabbits.

β€œSo with the priest by my side, I trained for years, until one day a doctor cleared me to safely give blood. I was so proud, and I knew my brother would not die in vain.

β€œBut when I arrived at the blood bank, to my *shock* and *horror,* I remembered my other brother who died of a heroin overdose, and it awakened in me a deep-seated phobia of needles!

β€œFortunately, our family priest knew of a minister who specialized in helping rabbits overcome deep-seated phobias. (There’s an obscure seminary in Wyoming that teaches the craft.) It was another long and hard road, filled with many sleepless nights, but he helped me build my spirit as strong as my body, until one day I found that I was no longer afraid of needles!

β€œAnd so, I, a rabbit who has been through so much, invited the priest and the minister to accompany me to the blood bank today, to share in this great moment in which I am finally able to give blood in honor of my dear, deceased brothers.”

When the rabbit finished his story, the nurse was quite moved.

β€œMy goodness, that is quite an inspirational story, rabbit. And how good it is that you, the priest and the minister, were able to accompany th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2023
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Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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I saw a train and was trying to think of a good dad joke..

And then it hit me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenapple848
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Traffic ground to a halt after a truck with pepper mills crashed. Then this.
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2022
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

At work, I have a workstation.

edit: cheers u/cheer_up_richard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2022
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I applied to be an engineer for the local railroad company

I don’t have any experience, but they said they’d train me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leedlelee871
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
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4.5yo and I were walking around with our brand new triple stroller today.

He puts some optional inserts for carseats into the carrier basket under the stroller. Tells me they're space umbrellas.

I ask him, "whatever would we need a space umbrella for?"

Without missing a beat, he says "meteor showers."

I'm not exaggerating at all, but this was too good not to share.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cazreal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2022
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Children are hereditary.

If your parents didn't have any, neither will you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2022
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mordigan13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2022
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My wife just told me the singer from the Monkees died. I didn't believe her.

But then I saw her face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
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Probably the best joke I’ve ever made

So yesterday evening my wife got home from work with our Walmart grocery pickup in her car. As we are unloading it she notices that the bag that only has a pack of cheese in it is torn. She shows it to me and without skipping a beat I say, β€œhuh. You must have gotten sharp cheddar.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justineal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2021
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How rich are garbage men?

Filthy rich

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedarkestrai
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2022
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I once knew a professional boxer that never trained before a match. Not once.

He just took his car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GangreneMachine
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2022
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you know what drives old people up the wall?

stair lifts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emily-Savage
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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So a conductor is driving a train

He decides that it's boring and gets on his phone to kill time. He doesn't pay attention and the train collides with a train car that was left on the tracks killing all 70 of the passengers on board. At trial he is sentenced to death by electrocution and requests a singular banana. When he goes to the chair he is strapped in, but survives and is released because the judge thinks that the man was saved by God. The man gets a job at another station but gets bored and crashes that train killing all 80 passengers on board. He is once again sentenced to die and requests two bananas for his last meal and survives the electric chair again and is released. Once again he somehow gets a job conducting a train and this time he kills 90 people. He is once again sentenced to death but the guards refuse to give him bananas for his last meal because they think that he is somehow using them to survive. He is strapped in and the guards flip the switch but he still somehow survives. This time the judge decides to just sentence him to life, but just before he is taken to his cell the guard asks him.

"How have you been surviving all these times? I thought it was the bananas."

The man said: "Wait, you haven't found out yet? I'm just not a good conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmophiIe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2021
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Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?

They said the robber had a loco-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenburrito_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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My daughter asked me, "Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I pulled this one on a client today

I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end.

I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds.

After it ends.

Me: Long pause.... I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought.

The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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Mom approved

I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family.

Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon.

Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, are they... pause... All aboard with the idea?

both can't contain laughter

Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tatswithgats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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A man announced over the speaker system that the trains are a bit slow today.

I wanted to see if he was right.

So, when a train pulled up at my station I told it a really good joke.

It didn't laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2022
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My wife keeps calling me immature. So now, every time she says that, I just tell her….

to get out of my fort! It’s Boys Only!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatabaseSolid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2022
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How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XHeraclitusX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2021
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Being a Train driver must be a good Job.

In this role you always will find yourself on track.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driconian
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1anddone41
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2022
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Train conductors are really good at their job

Because they’re training everyday!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imelie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I've heard they're having trouble retaining employees over at the Land-o-Lakes factory..

Apparently they have a high churn-over rate.
I think they might want to try shortening their hours.
I mean, after all, the cost of training new workers must really be cutting into their profit margarines.

I don't know... I've just always figured they'd butter up their workers, so honestly I just... I Can't Believe It's Not a good place to work...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/channasty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2022
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I have some good jokes about strength training to tell you.

But you'll have to weight to hear them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweathesmallshit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
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When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My boss said to me, β€œyou're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, β€œI'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Natty383
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!"

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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