So i decided to look into one
It left a legendary glory hull
They’re immoovabull.
Walnuts.
Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.
I don't have any children -- but I do have a great dad-joke sense of humor. This happened this weekend, and I'm quite proud just saying it on the spot:
Friend: Do you know who's opening for the concert tonight? Me: No, what time does it start? Friend: I don't know, but the doors open at 8. Me: Oh, I didn't know the doors were still touring.
followed by awkward silence, then a look of anger, and a look of defeat*
You might even say she was stalling.
(This is a true story.)
Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.
We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.
Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.
This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.
We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".
P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.
So I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend, watching hockey. Mentioned that if the game was any more intense, we'd be camping.
She looked up at me confused, and said "why is camping intense?"
Not missing a beat, I responded with "where else would you sleep?"
Took her a couple of seconds to connect it, then she called me an idiot as she burst out laughing. My best one yet.
I went out with a glaze of glory.
She said he was well-dressed, good-looking and charming. And he was a game ranger.
I said, "I'm sorry to hear that. But, what's a mranger?"
She rolled her eyes as I soaked in the glory. I hope I'll make a good dad.
Edit: changed "also" to "but" for clarity.
I don't have any kids, but I think this was pretty dad-like:
We usually scream at max volume when we play, but our other roommate was sleeping so we had to stay pretty quiet.
It was my Kung Lao and Kano vs his Smoke and Sonya.
I swept him clean, 3-0, and he gave the excuse, "It was because I couldn't get loud."
I told him, "Oh, but you did get loud... KUNG LAO'D!"
He groaned, I basked in the glory.
My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.
My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."
At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."
Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.
Glory to God in the Hyatt
the Japanese Olympic Track and field team, in typical Asian make-every-thing-harder-to-do-than-it-has-to-be fashion have announced that hey are sticking by their regimen of only using malformed, decade-and-a-half old, equipment rigged to pop out of the course unexpectedly in order to secure their hopes of Olympic glory. While this may seem counter intuitive, Kadauo Osakamizu, a analyst for the team claims there is actually a historic cultural precedent for the odd exercises. In a quote, Mr. Osakamizu insists that the idea is that "if the team can excel with such sub-par materials, executing wins when the equipment is good should be of little concern."
So it seems that at least for the foreseeable future, Japan will be pinning their hopes on Teenage, Mutant, Ninja Hurdles.
and there he was in all his glory: Elrond Swanson
"Hey do you have crab legs?"
"Yes" :D
"Well, just keep your pants on and nobody will notice."
This was said when I was a kid and he never fails to retell how he once said this joke to a waiter. Glory days.
I know this isn't normally what we do on here, but these are just too good not to share.
IMPORTANT EDIT - THIS IS NOT MY WEBSITE. IM NOT CROSS PROMOTING, JUST WANT TO SHARE THE GLORY OF THESE WITH THE DADS OF REDDIT
So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.
He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.
As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.
Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.
We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."
It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.
I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.
My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.
So my wife and I were in Walmart and she was looking in the candle section. She saw an apple pie candle she was interested in until she saw the price.
"$7 is kind of expensive for a candle don't you think?" She says to me.
Smirking, I see my time for glory; "Why, you don't feel like we have money to burn?"
She called me an ass, but I was already lost in dad joke nirvana.
