so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).
they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;
"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"
audible groan from everyone in the office. success.
my dad would be proud.
"What's the MLS team in LA?" Me: "LA Galaxy?" "Yeah, but what were they before that?" Me: "I think they were the LA iPhones"
I just got back in town for the holidays and my family was taking my grandmother to her birthday party. As we were getting in the car my dad asks my grandma, who was in the back seat directly behind him, if she had enough leg room.
Grandma: "Oh, I've got more than enough room. There's a foot between us!"
Me: "That's strange, I'm pretty sure there should be two feet between you..."
Turns out it’s tomorrow.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
[removed]
“robin, get in the batmobile”
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.
For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.
Me: "So I've decided to give up studying medicine to become a yoga instructor."
Mum: gets up, pushes her chair in and leaves the dinner table
Me: "Nah, ma! Stay!"
My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.
So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'
Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D
My daughter asked me to open a bottle of water for her to drink and I did. She took one sip, then started dumping the water onto the floor.
I quickly grabbed the bottle and said, "Hey! That's bad!"
She looked at me and said, "No, it's water."
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."
Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.
It was glorious.
*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it
Dad and I are on a fishing trip and we have to get up pretty early. My dad was feeling tired and at the breakfast table says "I am just so bagged". To which I replied "I guess that makes you a Baghdad". He never saw it coming.
A little too proud of this one...
So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...
With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.
I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...
“Is your dog lookin at it?
Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”
I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.
EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.
Working with dad today : Dad : 'here's sone earplugs mate. You're only getting two .'
Me: 'thats fine I only have two ears '
Dad :' not everyone has two ears you know , some people have three '
Me : ' like who ? '
Dad :' well captain kirk had one left ear , one right ear , and a final frontier '
And my disappointed face leads him into hysterics haha .
http://imgur.com/gallery/uNacI
Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast.
Mom: "Do you have a car charger for the van?"
Me: "Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas."
Mom: glares
Dad: chokes on eggs
Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny! Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D
"Hey dad?"
"Yes dear?"
"Hey, im not a DEER!"
Caught me off guard so early in the morn. It was quick, and it was glorious. I need to step my game up before i lose my throne....
He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:
"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."
The resulting groan was glorious.
We walked past a well-known tailor, they make fancy men's clothes and school uniforms to measure. She remarked on how she thought it must be an awful job. I saw my moment and it was glorious.
So I turned to her with barely contained glee and I said, "yeah, I'm sure it's tough but I bet it suits some people".
Maître d': "Do you have reservations?" Dad: "No, we're pretty sure we want to eat here." [rest of us facepalm]
®
Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.
"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"
"No, a fence."
"None taken."
He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."
I only made this so I didn't have to comment on hundreds of posts, so delete if you want to, mods. I found you glorious bastards literally seconds ago. These puns are absolutely top-notch. Keep up the good work you guys!
The glorious leader
I'm usually good with name puns , but I can't think of a funny way to incorporate it. Some words to help - Glory, Glorious, Galore, Glow, , euphoria...
Edit/update: I used Glorias as in glorious. "I hope you had a Glorias day"
She said, "lmao, your silly".
I think that's a win....?
It was the Asphalt."
The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)
I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.
"All right sure," she replied.
When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.
When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:
"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'
"Nah, I was looking at something else,"
And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:
"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."
We had been standing for quite a while outdoors:
Her: my back hurts, it makes me feel ancient.
Me: Are you saying you're dinosore? That would make you a backisasoreus.
I think she hurt herself worse with the giant eye roll and groan. It was glorious.
We went to a hibachi place for dinner and i ordered miso soup as part of my appetizer.
Mom: Why did you get soup? You know this meal is going to fill you up.
Me: Well, i guess because miso hungry.
My dad did the "not bad" face to me
... In return the leprechaun said he would live young and healthy forever as long as he never shaved his beard. Benny live for many, many, many years always young and healthy and had a glorious beard. One day, as can happen to any man, Benny met a beautiful woman. After a wonderful courtship he asked her to marry him. She agreed on the condition that he shave his beard. Benny thought about this for a long time and tried a few things like trimming his beard really short to see what would happen. When nothing happened he decided he could probably risk shaving his beard but leaving his mustache and sideburns. As soon as you finish shaving the leprechaun appeared, shook his head, and snapped his fingers. Benny immediately dropped to the floor and turned into a pile of dust. His fiance was so upset that she could not bear to part with him. So she put his dust into a beautiful Grecian urn. Which just goes to show a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
