A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
π︎ 61
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Thereβs two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking itβs junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you canβt do that. That dogβll bite you.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
PurΓ©e!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Doctor: "How strange, your DNA is back to front."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
How do you get an art history major off your front porch ?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
βThis takes me back.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"
And I said "not without a large mortgage"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.
Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
If Emily gets depantsed in front of her friends...
Sheβs em-bare-assed on 2 levels
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.
They're better known as the early adopters.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Written on the side of a hearse in front of a hair salon...
Will Curl Up And Dye For You
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
A βdivineβ healer in his βmiracleβ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My neighbor spent all day laying sod in his front garden, then last night, someone stole it!
Heβs outside now, looking forlornβ¦
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didnβt laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
π︎ 208
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
π︎ 372
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
My son has a teacher who never farts in front of the class
π︎ 72
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
What do impostors do In front of therapists?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard
Iβm not a huge fan of the bark
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Why was singer waiting at the front door?
He didn't have the right key and didn't know when to come in
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.
Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
π︎ 45
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
I needed to get some silverware for dinner and my wife was standing in front of the drawer. So I sang this to her:
πΆ"Give me three forks,
Give me three forks sweetie,
Give me three forks from the drawer.
Give me three forks,
Give me three forks baby,
And I won't ask you for four." π΅
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Don't Stand in front of a running car!
You'll get Tired!
Don't stand behind them either!
You'll get exhausted!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Doctor: "Your DNA is back to front."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
