I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My problematic teen kid just fled across the border

He really crossed the line this time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/otoglomba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Hear about the suspect who fled into a cemetary to escape the police?

That was a grave mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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Did you hear about the gym teacher who's fled the uk after allegedly having 'relations' with one of his student?

Police say he's done a runner.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSquare
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance

When I fled the scene of the accident.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Did you guys know Yoda actually has a last name?

Yeah, it's actually Yoda Layheeho.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nolan-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Real life dad joke. Yesterday I was cooking a stir fry and added some diced carrots β€˜for carrot-ness’, I said.

My daughter who was helping, added some peas, β€˜for pea-ness’ she said. Then fled laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king...

An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.

The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.

The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.

The moral of the story?

The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyourreality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Losing shoes at the pool

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/troyvit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
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So Microsoft Office goes to Jail...

Word and Powerpoint get stuck together. For the first few months they hated each other but overtime they got to know each other better and became really good friends. After about a year Powerpoint found a hole in the wall to escape through. He really wanted to tell Word but he knew only he could escape or would seriously risk getting caught. So Powerpoint fled that next night but he left a letter to Word saying that he was sorry for leaving and explained that their friendship has changed him and the way he looks at life.

TL;DR Powerpoint escaped through hidden Access with a new Outlook, while Word is stuck in jail with Onenote and an Excel mate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazymanfish90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
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I saw a cowboy chasing Johnny cash across Arizona, this is all I had to say

The man in black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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My old friend's dad's goof on early 80's politics will take your heart hostage.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver β€œThis guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUpInMyRizznus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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