I’m frightened of elevators

I’m taking steps to avoid them now

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is hot cocoa so frightened?

Its always getting mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pharaoh who was very frightened?

He wanted his mummy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManxLynx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi?

There there, they're there

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
My daughter has been frightened lately, because I've been waking up nightly, screaming from a bad dream. (It's a dream in which I'm forced to eat Indian food for every meal...)

I told her it's just a recurrying nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yourbrotherrex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
🚨︎ report
What kind of music frightens balloons?

Pop music.

πŸ‘︎ 218
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cunt_Puffin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Frightening
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spicynate45
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the SCP Foundation so terrible and frightening?

Because they have a lot of canons.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a frightening math joke where the answer comes out to 4.

But I'm 2^2 to even say it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her.

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

πŸ‘︎ 232
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when you try to frighten an infertile man?

Nothing. He can't have an erection.

I mean any reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kiewseedan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Soo scared today
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Stock photo puns are frighteningly fun
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scottshott
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosvicious
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Irritable Bowel Syndrome implies the existence of other bowel syndromes, such as:

Cheery Bowel Syndrome

Angry Bowel Syndrome

Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)

The list is endless and frightening

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFuThor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When my kids are grounded I read them jokes from this sub.

I think it's an effective form of pun-ishment

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best...

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the borrowed money not afraid anymore?

Because it wasn't a loan any more.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 367
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Queen must be afraid of Thor

Because thunder and lightning, very very frightening.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pepperono-boi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa had a glass eye.

It scared the crap out of me as a kid. When he babysat me he would take his glass eye out and put on an eyepatch so I wouldn’t be frightened.

Basically, when he knew I was coming, he always kept an eye out for me.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard people saying "boo" to their friends has went up 85% this year.

That's a frightening statistic.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/supahuntaa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
In 1975 Queen predicted Apple being scary...

Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightening.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/octalgon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A recent study shows that the number of people who enjoy horror films has gone up by more than 30%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Those darn hillbillies!

I heard some banjo music off in the distance. Some time later, there's a knock at my door. Staring through the peephole, I see two toothless hillbillies. One has a shotgun, the other has a frozen pizza.

Frightened, I barricade myself inside the apartment. I tell them to go away, that I'm calling the police.

That's when one of the hillbillies spoke up and said, "Aw, come on! It's not Deliverance, it's DiGiorno!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alc6379
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Giving mom her last wish

My family and I were having a serious discussion about life and death, and my mother said so frightened and sweetly, "When I die, I hope I go first. I just couldn't imagine living a day without (dad)." Dad looks at my mom and says with a nod, "I can arrange that."

πŸ‘︎ 231
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stearnsy13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Was with some guys golfing and 4 balls hit the water within a minute.

The turtle that was swimming there swam away, frightened. Guess he was shell shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OKSPUD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
🚨︎ report
A favorite of my dads: "You know what really burns my ass?!"

He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.

He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/apopheniac1989
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad's Halloween costume

I got a text from my dad this morning that said, "My costume was on his bed if I wanted to see it. It's the definition of scary." When I looked, there was a t-shirt that said "[adj.]scary: frightening, causing fear".

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AwsomeChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 254
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.