Two goldfish are in a bowl, one fish turns to the other and say when do you think the food is coming? The other says...

Holy crap! A talking fish!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_LumberZack_
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2019
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I was frying some food to go with my fish and my dark started barking

So I screamed โ€œHUSH PUPPYโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madijoy14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Apparently, when hungry, wild goldfish will attack any other sea creature to steal their food, except for large fish with fins.

Because then they'd they'd be jumping the shark.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MightyOtaku
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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How do fish pay for their food?

With dollar gills!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/oceansnowe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Mike Pence couldnโ€™t make it to the Senate vote today because he had food poisoning from raw fish.

Presiding in his absence was the President Pro Temp-ura.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dingleingus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Whatโ€™s a bald eagleโ€™s leash favorite fish food?

Hairring.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Domthehuman1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants

Turns out she was only with me for my mussels

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MJBGaming
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didnโ€™t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions โ€œso whatโ€™s the food like here??โ€ The other lions responded...

โ€œActually itโ€™s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SidB_22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A classic dadjoke at the dinnertable

[The family have just sat down at the dinner table for their evening meal together, and are chatting about their day and the food]

Mother: Oh, by the way, if anyone wants any more fish fingers, they're cooking in the oven.

Daughter: Okay. How long will they be?

Father: About two and a half inches.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/megamouth2
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2014
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So I dad joked a couple at work last night

I'm a server at a local restaurant. A couple came in and both of them ordered fish and chips. As I'm bringing it out to them, the wife says, "Holy mackerel, that's a lot of food!" I responded with, "Actually, we use cod instead, but it's delicious nonetheless." They didn't realize what happened until I scurried away giggling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TripleDMotorBoater
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Had a string of dad jokes at dinner today

First I should preface that the restaurant we went to had a sucker with every meal. They also had a plate of pickles for appetizers. So naturally we got some pickles and fries for appetizers and I ordered some beer battered fish sticks for my main meal. But for some reason the main course came out before the appetizers, so there was some debate as to whether or not they should even bring out the appetizers.

Me: "Sounds like we're in a bit of a pickle."

Others: Groans.

Meal continues and naturally people are curious how everybody's food is.

Friend: "Tabbou, how is your food?"

Me: "I don't know... It takes kinda... fishy..."

Friend: "Tabbouuuuu..."

Finally, as we're getting out our chairs to leave, my friend holds up her sucker and asks, "Does anybody want this?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm a real sucker for them."

Friend: "Tabou, stop."

Other random customers sitting near us, "Hey, you're a sucker for these? Take ours!"

I scored four suckers tonight.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tabbou
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imdickie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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