Alcoholics don't run in my family.
One day it will be the family hair loom
ever try feeding a family of 10 with a large pizza?
Hubs is gonna be late tonight
My dad thinks I should consult my family before getting a vasectomy.
I did. They voted 16-1 in favor.
What do you call it when two members of the royal family love each other very much?
An old man on his deathbed calls together his family. “My darling wife are you here?” he asks. “Yes dear, I'm here”, she replies. “And my son, are you here” he gasps. “Yeah dad, I'm right here.” “My darling daughter are you here?” “Yes daddy, I'm here”.
The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”
What are the family photos of orphans called?
A selfie.
Disclaimer: Please take this lightly. I do not mean to insult or provoke or harm the feelings of any orphan out there.
How're you gonna fit your family in *that* car?
Elon is sick of people talking about his family's alleged emerald mine business...
They should all mine their own business!
My family has a pony we call Mayo…
and sometimes mayonnaise.
I got my family with a good one…
Our dog came home from the vet after surgery looking very groggy, tired, stitches, etc.
Wife: “aw, she looks like she’s gone ten rounds in the ring.”
Me: “yeah…with a boxer.”
I come from a large family and had to share my bedroom as a kid…
I never knew what it was like to sleep alone until I was married.
Two melons in love had to separate (when their families did not agree) because.....
They cantaloupe....
My 11 year old carne up with this one...
What do members of the Adam’s family tell each other when they wake up?
My family comes from a long line of bakers
Guess you could say we’re purebread
What does being born in September tell you about your family?
That your parents like to start their new year with a bang.
What does Mr. Bean and the poor family that was helped by Theodore Roosevelt have in common?
Both of them said, "Awwww Teddy!"
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
But I can’t quit cold Turkey.
From my 7 year old son: Dad, what do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Two Primates!! Get it? prime - mates (emphasis his).
What did Billy Joel sing when his family was accused of passing too much gas?
"We Didn't Fart You Liar!!!"
My family keeps telling me that I make the worst soup they’ve ever had.
I ….don’t put too much stock in it.
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."
My 16yo son was on a long video chat with his girlfriend and wouldn't come out of his room for dinner. I barged in and yelled:
"Son, I got ya that hemroid cream you asked for."
He died laughing. His girlfriend died laughing. His girlfriend's mom was on screen in the background, she died laughing.
It was a good hit. Glad I he's dating a girl who saw the humor in it.
I told my family this week I wanted to be composted.
"Turn me into a big pile of mushrooms after I die. I want to be remembered as a fun guy."
My friend, the hockey player invited me to have Easter dinner with his entire family.
So I sat down and had dinner with his father, son and the goalie host.
After arguing for hours with my family, I decided to keep my fuzzy leather shoes.
They tried to dissuade me.
Every morning I announce to my family that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t go.
What does Zeus wear under his clothes?
Why did the family scream when a mouse entered the kitchen?
Because it was a surprise party.
Me and my family were at a restaurant ordering desert-
my brother wanted plain vanilla ice cream and my dad said "are you sure you want it plain and not helicopter" my brother laughed and my mum just sat there in disappointment
Trent Reznor is a direct descendant of George Reznor, who founded the heating and air conditioning manufacturing business The Reznor Company in 1888. The Reznor Family sold the business in the 1960's.
His legacy lived on, however, as Trent also went on to make millions of people industrial fans
Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems
I'm heartbroken to say the least.
When I was a kid, there was an Amish family that built DnD themed housing for the locals.
I've been spending most my life living in an Amish pair o' dice.
Our priest wanted to contact me and all of my extended family because he hadn’t seen us in church in a while.
So he sent out a Mass text.
I was with the family and some friends at the local Japanese steakhouse and the server asked “Does anyone have any allergies?”
I looked at him with a straight face and said “Pollen”.
The air went outta the room and my wife looked at me like she wanted to kill me. My daughter and son groaned. All our friends just looked at the server like “we’re sorry”. The server looked at me with a grin like “just wait til you find out what I put in your food”.
Arigatou!
I informed my family that someone in the house was secretly an owl in disguise and our oldest daughter asked, "Who?"
Honestly, never suspected her.
Johnny wrote a letter from summer camp informing his family that he had grown a foot since he left home.
So his mom sent him 3 socks.
My foster brother got in a fight with my dad and ran away. He said he’s going to find his birth family in Arizona.
I Hopi finds what he’s looking for, but I have my reservations.
I am so happy I convinced my family to have Venetian Blinds....
Otherwise, it could be curtains for all of us!
Every Amish church has at least one family named Yoder. If that family leaves,
Then the church has been deYoderized.
Everyone knows of Albert Einstein. But did you know he had a really dumb brother?
I joined this sub a few months ago, and I really enjoy reading your submissions and posting my own. I've come to think of all of you like family.
Mostly because, like my family, y'all don't laugh at my jokes either.
He's off to find an old flame
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
