My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes,
but I couldn’t quit cold turkey.
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.
It was the Absolut wurst.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
When the photon left its family behind,
A German Family consisting of a Mom, Dad, 8-year-old son, and 6-year-old daughter walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
What’s the difference between me and the family dog?
The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house
Me: one day you will inherit all these priceless family heirlooms
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
After WWII some of Hitler’s extended family was still alive. How many Hitlers could still be alive today?
I’m not certain, but I believe there are Führer than there used to be!
The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
A rock's father gave him a family heirloom
It held sedimentary value
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.
He was their sole bread wiener.
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
What do the vicugna pacos family say when they are about to go on a vacation?
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt
How dare they laugh at my pain.
There was a family of chicken detectives...
They were called “the clue clucks clan”
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
I'm the youngest of a family of 3...
Both my parents are older than me.
My family and friends told me they were 'two tyred' of my puns, that they couldn't 'handle' it any more and needed a 'brake'. So I decided to focus my energy elsewhere and designed these cards which they're all gonna recieve in the mail
Argument at family dinner...
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
A family is in an amusement park and comes across an animatronic display of Al Gore playing the drums.
The mother says, "Hey everyone, look at that. Isn't that amazing?" The father, unimpressed, replies, "It's just an algorithm".
What family members are most likely to spoil the s’more children?
Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.
Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.
"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"
"Why's that Dad?"
"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."
At a family dinner
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise
Did you hear about the Egyptian royal family that had harmonious flatulence?
They had a little toot-in-common.
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
I can out of the closet to my family.
They were relieved that they finally found me after a week.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
How did Dwayne Johnson’s family find out that they had Covid?
They couldn’t smell what The Rock was cooking.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Some people exploared some caves of my family
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
Wellllllllllllllllllllll.....
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
I showed ten puns to my family to make them laugh
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
My family asked me to stop telling them Thanksgiving jokes
But I told them I couldn’t quit cold turkey
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