π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 28 2018
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes,
but I couldnβt quit cold turkey.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.
It was the Absolut wurst.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Turkey Day
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
When the photon left its family behind,
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
A German Family consisting of a Mom, Dad, 8-year-old son, and 6-year-old daughter walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Whatβs the difference between me and the family dog?
The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Me: one day you will inherit all these priceless family heirlooms
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
π︎ 65
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
After WWII some of Hitlerβs extended family was still alive. How many Hitlers could still be alive today?
Iβm not certain, but I believe there are FΓΌhrer than there used to be!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
A rock's father gave him a family heirloom
It held sedimentary value
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.
He was their sole bread wiener.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
What do the vicugna pacos family say when they are about to go on a vacation?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt
How dare they laugh at my pain.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
There was a family of chicken detectives...
They were called βthe clue clucks clanβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastππ»β€οΈ
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!π
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
Family friendly pun
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I'm the youngest of a family of 3...
Both my parents are older than me.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
My family and friends told me they were 'two tyred' of my puns, that they couldn't 'handle' it any more and needed a 'brake'. So I decided to focus my energy elsewhere and designed these cards which they're all gonna recieve in the mail
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
Argument at family dinner...
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that Iβm going for a jog and then I donβt...
Itβs my longest running joke of the year so far...
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 27 2020
A family is in an amusement park and comes across an animatronic display of Al Gore playing the drums.
The mother says, "Hey everyone, look at that. Isn't that amazing?" The father, unimpressed, replies, "It's just an algorithm".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
What family members are most likely to spoil the sβmore children?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.
Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.
"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"
"Why's that Dad?"
"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
At a family dinner
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
Did you hear about the Egyptian royal family that had harmonious flatulence?
They had a little toot-in-common.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I can out of the closet to my family.
They were relieved that they finally found me after a week.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
π︎ 27k
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
How did Dwayne Johnsonβs family find out that they had Covid?
They couldnβt smell what The Rock was cooking.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
Some people exploared some caves of my family
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
I surprised my family today by changing careers to become a mirror cleaner.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Wellllllllllllllllllllll.....
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
My whole family witnessed me going to jail
We have to play something other than monopoly next time
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
I showed ten puns to my family to make them laugh
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
π︎ 137
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My family asked me to stop telling them Thanksgiving jokes
But I told them I couldnβt quit cold turkey
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.