Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Argument at family dinner...
My family tell me not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back
I guess it just runs in the jeans
family dinner table jokes be like
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
At my wedding, my wife's family got into a fight with each other, the police were called, and then they ran from the cops.
So now my in-laws are out-laws.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.
On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,
“Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?”
“No, why?” I responded.
“People are just dying to get in there!” he replied.
After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,
“But really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”
“Why not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.
“Because I’m not dead yet!”
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
When I was 4 I asked my dad what languages my family spoke and he said "Gibberish" as a joke
So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that my family spoke Gibberish and English and always wondering why they would laugh after I said that
Just got back from a camping trip with the family
The days were incredible, but the nights were in tents
Apu and his family went on a bike ride.
It was known as the Nahasapeema-peloton.
I challenged my entire family to see who could fast the longest.
You could say my competition is getting slim.
My friends said that while in safari in Africa, his family was attacked by a herd of oxlike antelopes.
Moving my family to a wetland partially covered with water has been overwhelming...
My wife is about to take a pregnancy test.
I told her to study hard.
But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.
Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes
Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family
I told my friends and family a coronavirus joke at the start of quarantine, and no one laughed.
My family is mad at the fact that I have a really bad sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right.
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
How many sisters does it take to feed an Italian family?
None, that’s the pasta’s job.
As part of my community service, I had to hand out cans of pineapple to needy families...
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
My family can’t seem to find the tv remote. They’ll never find where I hid it.
It’s in a very remote location.
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
So what if I'm not part of a culturally similar indigenous peoples inhabiting the Arctic regions of Greenland, Canada and Alaska that speaks a language that is part of the Eskimo–Aleut family.
I could try harder to be, but I guess I'm just not Inuit.
How will he support his 3mm family?
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,
But I refuse to believe it.
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
Standing firm for family values
My wife left me on a Family Field trip
I should've made my wife turn right.
I need glasses to see my family
More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch
(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Did you hear about the family that went on a safari, they saw a giraffe and a meerkat
That’s about the long and short of it
I got my family this new type of fancy European yogurt.
I hope it makes us more cultured.
I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...
...I have Stuck Home syndrome.
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....
Dad, which state supports baking as a family activity?
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...
It was good to see dad's berth place.
family is family
Everybody knows Albert Einstein was a genius , but very few know his brother Frank was a monster.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
My buddy says he’s a member of the royal family on paper
My family laughed at my jokes about being in quarenteen...
Thanks! I'll be here all week!
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say.... I’m behind The Times.
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
His family is broken at the moment
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will
Unfortunately I cantaloupe
In a poor family, a son says to his dad: Dad I'm cold.
Dad: Go sit in the corner it's 90 degree
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
As a Chinese in Wuhan, I'm finally able to see my family!
Wait... that's not my family... neither is that...
What do you call a dead wizard
A spelleton
My family didn't appreciate my joke so hopefully someone does
From my offspring. What is the difference between a dad and an elevator?
An elevator can raise a family.
While I joined the Army and started a family, my brother Samuel became a doctor. After one of his patients died, my kids asked him what happened.
He told them, "Sorry, Uncle Sam's health care isn't the best."
Why are the women in the Trump family called the brass section?
Because they’re Trump-ettes
I asked my family not to speak at the dinner table.
What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?
Baby shart, do do do do
Mommy shart, do do do do
Daddy shart, do do do do...
Do you know why wrestler's family is terrified?
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas
Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought
A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
Why didn’t the duck family take in the orphaned cygnet
My whole family was mad at me
My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:
I told my family I was going to invest in toilet paper.
They told me I was full of shit.
I was talking to a Mexican family about how I was going to compete in the Olympics, and asked who they were rooting for
They replied, “You, ese!”
Got together with some family for a devour some BBQ today
If the family that popularized gull-winged doors had a baby girl, and they wanted to name her in honor of Star Wars...
She could be Amanda Mandalorian DeLorean
How do pig families save money on clothes?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
The family wasn't thrilled with my cheese choices.
What if the joke is almost family-friendly?
Why's my dad the funniest one in the family?
Because no one except dadjokes.
A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away
Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
My family was eating birthday cake, and one of the he toppings looked like striped bark, so my mom asked my dad, " Do you want a bark?"
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
My family and I had a crazy camping trip...
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
