Ideal
It has really impacted my outlook on life
But it just gets cornea and cornea
I have no ideer...
They’re just optical illusions.
Which one is cornea?
Mine will always be cornea
The cornea the better.
Good morning pupils.
Because they dilate.
I can't blame them; it was vitreous humour.
Between you and eye, I think something smells.
And they said “that’s a bit corny eh?”
He started taking off his pants.
Eye brows
He won't stop referring to him as Eye-Stick Newton.
So I had to put my foot down.
He was installing something on the wall and needed me to tell him if it was even. “Come here gnarcolepsy_, I need your eyeballs.” “Sorry, I’m using them right now.”
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
All mirrors look like eyeballs!
Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.
Dad: Just eyeball it.
I was decorating a bouncy ball usually reserved for pediatric patients to look like an eyeball, cause it's 5 am and I'm bored. Co-worker walks by and asks "Why is there an eyeball sitting on your keyboard" My reply, "Just keeping an eye on things". She groaned.
we ordered PJ's and I got a small no cheese peperoni and green pepper... so my son brings it back to me:
I, "That feels a lot like pizza."
Son, "No shit."
I, "Yeah, I didn't order any shit - so that's good."
Son, <plinko eyeball noise>
G-grandpa M-Me
M- complains about homework
G- You know, sometimes I have a bad attitude as well. Have I ever told you about my Rectum Oculus?
M- ????
G- I have a nerve in my rectum that connects to my eyeball.
M- What?
G- Sometimes, I have a shitty outlook on life.
I was scratching my eyeball and dad asked me what I was doing. He said there was something in my eyeball.
His response?
"Yeah it's your finger. Get it out of there!"
Edit: Spelling
Me: " Oh my gosh there's something in my eye!!!!" Dad: " Yeah it's a little thing we like to call an eyeball"
Well, I'm so glad it turns out there is a subreddit to put all of my dad's corny jokes... I have one of my pop's favorites for ya today, anyway here it goes:
A man is waiting for his wife to have a baby (you can tell this is an old joke) and since this is his first child he is extremely nervous. After some time a doctor comes out of this wife's room and says "Mr. So and So, there's been a complication... your baby boy has no arms." The man is shocked, and after a bit of a fit says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like a normal boy."
After another hours wait the doctor comes back to the man saying "Mr. So and so... there's been another complication... your baby has no legs." Again, the man is shocked, but he says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like any other normal boy!"
After a two hours wait the doctor again comes to the man and says "Sir, another complication... your child has no torso..." The man throws another fit, but eventually says "It's okay, I'll still love him no matter what!"
Finally, at the end of the day the doctor comes back to the man and says "Mr. So and So, your child has no body at all... in fact your child is just a giant eyeball..." The man flips out and screams "Could it get any worse!?"
"He's blind."
This would happen way too many times during my childhood and I never learnt... maybe because I couldn't actually find another way to express it.. anyway:
My eye would be sore and hurting really bad
Dad: What's the matter? Me: I've got something in my eye. Dad: Yeah, your eyeball.
-seriously unhelpful while I can't even see properly...thanks Dad-
I have however used it to friends as I got older... they also found it to be rather unhelpful and annoying lol.
True Dad jokes are only funny if you're on the outside of the problem haha.
Me: What is it, dad *rolls eyeballs* ?
Dad: X.
Me: Ok, whatever. Oh wait, why?
Dad: No, not Y! X!
All mirrors look like eyeballs
