What do you call finding cheap eyeballs on the black market

Ideal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickfingersjr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once

It has really impacted my outlook on life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dulonko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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I was going to tell a joke about a corn eyeball...

But it just gets cornea and cornea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/datgaminghuman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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What do you call a deer with no eyeballs?

I have no ideer...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastieboys1987
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.

They’re just optical illusions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A pun about eyeballs or a pun about Australian accents?

Which one is cornea?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TLo137
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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No matter how corny you believe your eyeball jokes are...

Mine will always be cornea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AngryAmber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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When it comes to eyeball jokes...

The cornea the better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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From miss 11: What did the teacher say to the eyeballs?

Good morning pupils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZn3rd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Why did the grim reaper have an eyeball phobia?

Because they dilate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theboopaloop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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My friend tried stand-up comedy and making jokes about eyeballs and their fluids. No one would laugh.

I can't blame them; it was vitreous humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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What did one eyeball say to the other?

Between you and eye, I think something smells.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robsta68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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I told my optometrist a joke about eyeballs

And they said β€œthat’s a bit corny eh?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lZombieChaserl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Steve Jobs went to the optometrist, she asked if she can have a look at his eyeballs.

He started taking off his pants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wisea9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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How does an eyeball greet his friends?

Eye brows

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πŸ‘€︎ u/offeverynight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I told my Uncle John that Isaac Newton once stuck a darning needle behind his eyeball to test a hypothesis about optics.

He won't stop referring to him as Eye-Stick Newton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/messenger_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverBlueWolfey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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It finally came full circle. I got my dad!

He was installing something on the wall and needed me to tell him if it was even. β€œCome here gnarcolepsy_, I need your eyeballs.” β€œSorry, I’m using them right now.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnarcolepsy_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Long-Term Dad Joke Finally Pays Off
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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I have a polish friend who is a sound engineer. and a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBreadSkeleton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Don't you dare
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilliCherry
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...

While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!

Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0elijaHayes0
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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When you look really closely...

All mirrors look like eyeballs!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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As a dad I was proud of this one driving home from the eye doctor

Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.

Dad: Just eyeball it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattleMana
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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Eye's Have It

I was decorating a bouncy ball usually reserved for pediatric patients to look like an eyeball, cause it's 5 am and I'm bored. Co-worker walks by and asks "Why is there an eyeball sitting on your keyboard" My reply, "Just keeping an eye on things". She groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefvr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2016
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Pizza delivery.

we ordered PJ's and I got a small no cheese peperoni and green pepper... so my son brings it back to me:

I, "That feels a lot like pizza."

Son, "No shit."

I, "Yeah, I didn't order any shit - so that's good."

Son, <plinko eyeball noise>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prjindigo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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My Grandpa had to listen to me whine about my homework

G-grandpa M-Me
M- complains about homework
G- You know, sometimes I have a bad attitude as well. Have I ever told you about my Rectum Oculus?
M- ????
G- I have a nerve in my rectum that connects to my eyeball.
M- What?
G- Sometimes, I have a shitty outlook on life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phalanx1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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Should have seen this coming

I was scratching my eyeball and dad asked me what I was doing. He said there was something in my eyeball.

His response?

"Yeah it's your finger. Get it out of there!"

Edit: Spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbsoluteWalnut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2014
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Eyes

Me: " Oh my gosh there's something in my eye!!!!" Dad: " Yeah it's a little thing we like to call an eyeball"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeeitsZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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One of my dad's favorites...

Well, I'm so glad it turns out there is a subreddit to put all of my dad's corny jokes... I have one of my pop's favorites for ya today, anyway here it goes:

A man is waiting for his wife to have a baby (you can tell this is an old joke) and since this is his first child he is extremely nervous. After some time a doctor comes out of this wife's room and says "Mr. So and So, there's been a complication... your baby boy has no arms." The man is shocked, and after a bit of a fit says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like a normal boy."

After another hours wait the doctor comes back to the man saying "Mr. So and so... there's been another complication... your baby has no legs." Again, the man is shocked, but he says "It's okay, it's okay I'll still love him like any other normal boy!"

After a two hours wait the doctor again comes to the man and says "Sir, another complication... your child has no torso..." The man throws another fit, but eventually says "It's okay, I'll still love him no matter what!"

Finally, at the end of the day the doctor comes back to the man and says "Mr. So and So, your child has no body at all... in fact your child is just a giant eyeball..." The man flips out and screams "Could it get any worse!?"

"He's blind."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChexWarrior
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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The most unhelpful advice my Dad could give me as a child.

This would happen way too many times during my childhood and I never learnt... maybe because I couldn't actually find another way to express it.. anyway:

My eye would be sore and hurting really bad

Dad: What's the matter? Me: I've got something in my eye. Dad: Yeah, your eyeball.

-seriously unhelpful while I can't even see properly...thanks Dad-

I have however used it to friends as I got older... they also found it to be rather unhelpful and annoying lol.

True Dad jokes are only funny if you're on the outside of the problem haha.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bumapotofishus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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Dad: So I've come up with a new Starbucks name...

Me: What is it, dad *rolls eyeballs* ?

Dad: X.

Me: Ok, whatever. Oh wait, why?

Dad: No, not Y! X!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zapolon2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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If you look close enough

All mirrors look like eyeballs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanfish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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