"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
To the tune of Row row row your boat.Roll roll roll your eyes because you are a teen. Your Mother and Father are very dumb and you know everything.
I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.
DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....
Eating at IHOP
Daughter: "What is sugar substitute?"
Dad: "You use that when sugar calls in sick."
I went to a diner called Mo's Egg House to grab some breakfast with some friends. We ended up ordering two eggs benedicts and two eggs florentine.
The waitress said "Wow, you guys are easy." To which I replied "overeasy."
Everyone hates me now. I love it.
Hungry boyfriend: i want ribs. Me: (touches his ribcage) but you already have some!
I went out to Denny's and I was looking at the menu. Disgusted I had to tell everyone I had to order from the breakfast menu. They asked why and I told them because I am lack toast intolerant.
Wife sent me these (she can't believe she's condoning this behavior):
What does the subatomic duck say? Quark Quark
Two photons arrive at the airport and they are asked if they have any luggage to check. "No thanks, we're traveling light"
I was with a friend tonight and we made plans to hang out next weekend.
Me: "Yeah, let's do that next Friday, I don't have anything planned."
Her: "Okay cool, what day is that?"
Me: "Friday."
Her: groaning, rolling eyes
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
I only roll my R’s.
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
"They become brain-dad!"
###Y
Normally, she rolls only one eye. 😵
An infantry
Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
...most crows drank at home by themselves.
Wife: Stopping at the bar for a drink after work.
Me: Would you bring some whiskey home?
Wife: 10-4
Me: = 6
Edit: this particular bar has a liquor store up front.
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
You roll them back
There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob).
As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky."
The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living.
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
My wife was sitting on the couch, handed me her phone, and said, "charge this". I took the phone and said,
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."
“Pull yourself together.”
If they leave it alone, they like your jokes. If they steal it, they've taken a fence.
I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."
There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.
“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”
“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.
“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”
“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”
His students registered dismay and anguish.
“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.
“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi
... keep reading on reddit ➡“That’s how eye roll”
Me, reading joke off internet Wife, rolls eye Me, sorry I just reddit
See a story about a pilot didn't remember his correct destination. Look at my 19 year old son and say "He just plane forgot!"
His eyes rolled like that boulder in Indiana Jones
Running with my daughter. She stops and says "dad I have something in my shoe."
I say "Hmm, is it a foot?"
Used to laugh but now just get eye rolls every time.
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.
My son: oh yeah? Was it?
Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!
He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.
But hey, that's just how eye roll.
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I just rolled them back
