I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...
So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.
"What this, Ed?"
"A line?" the boy replied.
"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."
The political climate is so polarizing these days that even Do, Re and Mi decided to form their own independent left leaning musical scale and vote Democratic.
When questioned they just stated they were now Anti Fa.
Why does Barbie look so young even though she was born in the fifties?
Once I was so dehydrated, I couldn’t even remember all the letters in the English alphabet.
I went ABCDEFG and then PQRSTUVWXYZ. I was missing H to O.
The quality of education is so poor today that some people don't even know the difference between a checklist and a ticklist!
Checklist: a tool for ensuring coverage of a subject can be completed with a check mark of some form, for instance, a cross, a tick, etc.
Ticklist: someone who is tickling you.
It was so hot & humid, even the bee's perm became unmanageable...
Once I was so broke I couldn't even pay the electricity bill.
I don't understand how stadiums are so hot, even during summer
There are thousands of fans at some games!
How are doctors so even tempered even under this incredibly stressful times?
They have a lot of patients.
I was trying to watch a movie but I kept sneezing so much I couldn’t even focus
That’s what I get for being allergic to Cats
I got an email from Google that said "At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards". And so I thought...
I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist. It was so obvious even her name was sharron
Carol wanted to make some cash so she tried to sell cookies, but they weren’t even cooked all the way...
What a half-baked attempt at making dough.
TIL - That in 17th century there were so many witches in France that they organized, rose up, and overtook the government for a time. I forget how many witches were involved or even what their movement was called....
But I bet it was a "beau-coup."
: )
Yesterday someone asked me why I make so many dad jokes if I don't have or even ever want kids.
It's genetic. I come from many generations of dads.
I'm so stupidly proud of myself for this message that I don't even care if he responds to me.
I’ve been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s so many times I can’t even keep track
Why did Bilbo live on for so long even after Frodo took the One Ring away from him?
Because old hobbits die hard!
Ted's wife was a horrible cook. She served mashed potatoes that were so runny, that his whole plate resembled soup. Even though she insisted that she drained the pasta, her spaghetti was so watery that the sauce ran off the plate. Ted had no choice...
...he was forced to take out a restraining order.
“My eyes are so bad, I’m not even sure my hindsight is 20/20...”
-my dad today at breakfast
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
My hidden talents are hidden so well that even I can't find them.
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh
In Canada, we are so progressive and accepting that even our highway is Trans.
That gas price is so low I can’t even see the sign.
Nearing the finish line, a marathon runner was so driven to win, that even when he pooped his pants, he continued on. When asked what he felt at that crucial moment, he replied...
"Undeterred"
/
"Undie turd"
My baby daughter has diarrhea. I've changed so many poopy diapers today, I couldn't even tell you how many.
They all just kinda run together at this point
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products
which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos
My partner said she saw a baby so cute her ovaries exploded. Baby wasn't even that cute. Talk about an ovary-action.
this one was so annoying I don't even want to post it.
my dad telling me about a new guy at work.
my dad: "so at the meeting today the new guy mentions he had a dream about work"
my dad says to him... "looks like you found your dream job"
I'm sorry people as much as it pains me to think about this horrible, HORRIBLE joke and write it out I just had to torture you guys with it. again I'm so so sorry
My arch enemy pointed at my T-shirt which read "Never forget WW2" and said "I bet you're so stupid you don't even know what the second W stands for".
I stared dead at them, pointed, and said "This means War!"
Got my GF so good, she didn't even know
Her: "I should go to Target.."
Me: "Is that what you're... aiming.. to do?"
whooooosh
Her: "That was so bad it went right over my head."
Me: "Too bad there wasn't an apple up there." :D
How can gravity be so strong if it doesn't even lift?
So yesterday I made what I'm pretty sure qualifies as my first official dad joke. And I'm not even a dad.
Me and this girl I'm seeing were walking around the mall and we decided to go to Hot Topic to kill time. Walking around we saw some car fresheners with band logos on them and my gf picks one up and says "hmm I wonder what Nirvana smells like?"
Without hesitation I answer "Teen Spirit"
It was the most perfect joke set up ever and I don't think I'll ever top it. It was my magnum opus. I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did.
I'm so proud of myself, and I'm not even a dad!
So my wife was looking over the menu at a restaurant and said "why do people even like monte christo sandwiches?"
I told her they were easy to count.
Not even a father yet, I am so ready.
My girlfriend and I don't live together yet so we text a lot about just whatever this is how it went down.
Me: so whatcha up to?
Her: I'm alright. Just really cold in my bed watching frozen
Me: Maybe you should be watching melted then.
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