Essaying Puns

I just came to that conclusion.

But I ain’t no snitch.

The teacher grated it.

Only 1,999 more words to go!!

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

Son: "The due date."

I'm thinking Aerial

Because they're dead.

Of course it is. It’s the essayt

So that i can get a lead on an idea

The professor asked for it Chicago Style so I turned it in in a deep dish.

His words, not mine.

...or you'll get charged with pla-chair-ism

Where's the lamb source!?

Because he was asked to research.

Ruff Drafts

"Oh no, i'm going to end up waffling!"

I think I might be jumping to a conclusion.

By writing a RUFF draft

There was another page, but I can't find it.

Well on the one hand it can have a huge psychological impact

I said, "you're a groan man! Don't be sheepish--ewe can handle it."

He walked away with a spring in his step.

My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.

It wasn’t justified.

...but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

I'll even submit it to National Geographic, they'll give me a full-page spread.

bonus peanut butter

He summit up.

It’ll be called T from now on.

Or maybe I’m just jumping to a conclusion.

when all of a sudden I deleted an entire sentence. I tried Ctrl+Z, document recovery, and everything, but eventually I gave it up as a lost clause.

He was afraid of capitalism.

I wanted to have an air-tight argument

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

Dad: "c-h-e-c-k m-y e-s-s-a-y"

Because he was all about his essays

But he would only give me parcel credit.

all i got is "no Juan left behind."

Her: "I look forward to graduating and having free Sundays"

Me: "I think Friendly's gives you a free sundae if it's your birthday."

Her: "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

As he gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, he said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

Some background, I'm taking Listening to Jazz this semester to fill my arts credit. Last week the professor talked about musicians Miles Davis and John Coltrane, and their albums Kind of Blue and A Love Supreme.

During class he was trying to explain to us what the difference between different kinds of jazz were. So he pulled all the students wearing blue and asked each student he pulled to describe their shade of blue. I was picked and when it was my turn, I just looked at him and said "My shirt looks... Kind of Blue" referencing a Miles Davis' album. My professor double face palmed and was so disgusted by me I almost felt bad for laughing. He threatened to give me a 3 page essay on why that was the worst answer I could've given.

Its an essay over the movie Cast Away and its about how the eggtimer, from the beggining of the movie, represents mechanical time(clocks) and how the waves on the island represent biological time(the human life cycle). Give me the best you've got!

Edit: I have untill tuesday (10/13/13)

He couldn’t be bothered and handed in a picture instead.

"How do you know that?" "I just just came to that conclusion."

But I ain't no snitch.

But I refused because I ain’t no snitch