I had no idea what the word "edit" meant, so I checked in a dictionary
Edit: prepare (written material) for publication by correcting, condensing, or otherwise modifying it.
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︎ Apr 10 2021
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Sweet revenge:) (also the edit is because I had to translate the message so sorry about that)
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︎ Feb 03 2020
I really hat that you can't edit your title
What if I make a spelling mistake?
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︎ May 21 2020
I'm tired and I was looking through pictures of my camera to edit, it's probably been done before but I couldn't help it...
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︎ Mar 19 2017
Saw this meme and knew I had to (poorly) edit it for bad jokes
http://imgur.com/rkEq0xO
Ooooh! You said DAD jokes.....
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︎ Aug 30 2017
Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 12 2021
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Mar 29 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
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︎ Apr 13 2021
Pi Day Special Edition Dad Joke
The roundest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference...
He ate too much pi.
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Ebay is so useless
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
When I was in charge of editing an action movie, I noticed an unnecessary scene that was only slowing down the plot.
So I decided to just cut to the chase.
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︎ Mar 13 2021
The man who invented velcro died today :(
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Boss: How's that new glue?
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
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︎ Dec 21 2020
why do poets never keep there weapons still?
They want to be like shake spear
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I got arrested at NASA.
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."
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︎ Apr 10 2021
He can cast at a 4th grade level
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︎ Apr 17 2021
What do you call a building full of guitarists?
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.
The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
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︎ Apr 07 2021
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Dress code
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︎ Oct 31 2020
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver β€οΈ
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︎ Nov 04 2020
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
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︎ Jan 12 2021
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
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︎ Aug 18 2020
If H2O is on the inside of fire hydrants, whatβs on the outside?
π︎ 90
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︎ Feb 06 2021
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didnt beat cancer
Edit: difference between ME and cancer
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?
The P is silent!
.
Edit: thanks for the hugz award!
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︎ Apr 18 2021
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!
Just donβt pick it up
Edit: piece I before E except after c
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Aug 26 2020
I ripped my pants yesterday.
It was pretty em-bare-ass-ing.
Edit: May or may not be based on real events.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?
2022 wonβt be arriving for at least a year.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I accidentally put viagra in my ear
Iβm hard of hearing now
Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards
Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat
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︎ Mar 01 2021
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Ham boogers.
I know, I know, snot funny.
-Edit-
Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My wife said, βYou really have no sense of direction, do you?β
I said, βWhere did that come from?β
Edit: Thanks for the love. Iβm right speechless.
π︎ 18k
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︎ Nov 10 2020
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: Itβs a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jun 28 2020
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