I'm serious, it made the news headlines "Cereal killer sixth victim"
"Bro, would you cut me some slack?"
I dragged a quart of milk 3,000ft up El Capitan in Yosemite to tell this LEDGE AND DAIRY joke to my pun loving climbing partner
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Me: I hope there is a lot of ado.
Wife: Huh?
MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....
Me: Shit.
One of the villagers turned and asked another, "what happened?"
She told him, "he's been arrested for forgery."
She used one whore's power.
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
Dad - Guess you could call that a tick sheet
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
I know it can be dangerous, but I love driving really fast dressed in women's clothing.
When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.
Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.
A cross-dresser
Broom Broom
I’ve always found them to be very uplifting.
The man says, "Lady, you ever tried to push one of these things out front?!?"
I still can't believe the guy in high heels won.
The Fat And The Furious
He had a Wigan address
You gotta deal with the con sequins
[Just thought of this after hardly any sleep. Figures.]
You drag it around the block
I'm tired of being taken for granite
I had this thought the other day, but it only works as an image.
Drag and Drop https://imgur.com/a/uQ5eglz
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Every morning I took him out for a drag.
When it was done she said "we're all stocked up!"
A dogged effort (and a good boi)
So I packed up her stuff and left.
I'm going to try them, "We had go outside & drag our butts across the lawn. ( Like the dog does on the carpet.)
Up hill!
Both ways!!!"
“Thanks, it’s pure bread!”.
She's having a hard time taking notes.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I replied, "More like he'll be trippin' the way I see it."
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Sucks dick like a pro. Doesn't let me cum and wants me to eat her ass.
Suddenly huge bouncer from before barges in and shoves me away with an unrelenting force. Proceed eats out Sky's ass like a boss
Yells "Sky's rim belongs to the nords"
(sorry for long post but friend sent this to me and i have no idea where it goes, could use some help)
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
Now I have pulled pork
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
I learned that mountain climbing solo is a lot easier.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Thank you.
