A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Doctor Visit

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."

The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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A man visits the doctor because he swallowed his watch

He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cubeconvict
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madeofmistake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Visit to the Doctor’s Office

Carol hated going to the Doctor’s office, she was afraid she would see he ex-Ray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Augusta_Wynd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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At Easter brunch, my dad told us about his latest doctor visit.

"The doctor asked me how's my hearing doing. I said 'what?'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/racedogg2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomLemon10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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Dracula has been visiting many doctors.

Yet none of them can fix his coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

Life before that was a blur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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When I visited Alaska, I kept thinking I was seeing native eye doctors...

Turns out it was just an optical Aleutian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aurrutia214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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A snowman visited the doctor complaining about back pain.

They were diagnosed with Snowliosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a1234567890125
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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You have been visited by Doctor Doggo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePunZoo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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I visited my doctor today and have been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.

Now all I have to do is rub it in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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I recently visited my Doctor who happened to have a degree in mathematics for my blue balls

He simply said "Circumference" but unfortunately it didn't help me resolve my issue...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MundieR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Visited the eye doctor today.

Doc: Do you smoke?

Me: No, should I start?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyma5ter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Soon to be dad in 4 months

I held the elevator for an older lady at the clinic where my wife and I were going for a Doctor visit. She said thank you and I paused and asked her what floor. There’s was only two and we were on the first lol

(Is this a dad joke?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pendertuga55
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea[X-Post from r/jokes]

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea. Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again. The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says "Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gulzaar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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So an elderly couple of 60 want to have another child,

They visit their doctor, who says, "You're both healthy and work out, I don't think there'll be a problem. I need a sperm sample though." The elderly couple took the clear bottle home and brought it back the next day. The doctor holds the bottle up to the light and says, "This bottle is empty sir." The elderly man replies, "I tried it with my right hand and with my left hand, Ma tried it with her right hand and her left hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out. But no matter what we did, we couldn't get that lid off that bottle."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will_to_Knowledge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
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My great uncle just dadjoked me with this email.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you

can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,

family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much

on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit

there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to

stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin

flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's

an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! LOVE EACH OTHER! YEP!

My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty

things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head -

we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Just kidding. All my travel plans are to doctors and the bathroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dantheman757
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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Secretary yelled at my mom & dad, hit her with this gem

Before I was born my parents lived in Philadelphia. My mom was about 7 months along when they were referred by a friend of a friend to this pediatrician who was top notch. They were on their way for the first visit to the new doctors and they were running late. They walked into a crowded waiting room and went to the front glass and checked in. The secretary started yelling at my mother and father saying this is Dr. so and so, he is a top class physician, people wait years to get on his waiting list, AND YOU'RE LATE!

And my father goes "OF COURSE SHES LATE THATS HOW YOU END UP AT A PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE!"

Even the secretary cracked a smile as everyone else groaned and laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honeydipper_Dan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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My father was recently released from the hospital after knee surgery...

While visiting him in the hospital I always told him "I hope your face gets better soon" even though it wasn't injured, as a joke.

Now at home, I just asked him how his leg was feeling, and afterwards when the doctors said his face would get better. His response was "About two weeks before yours."

Fair call, should have seen that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonWolfKing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2013
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Vegetables

Sorry if format error. Am on mobile. Just wanted to share my favorite dad joke from my childhood. I think it was my dad's favorite joke to tell too. "There was a carrot walking along the road when he got hit by a car. He was rushed to the carrot hospital and looked at by the carrot doctors. When his carrot mom came to visit the doctor told her he had some good news and some bad news. >cm: What is the news carrot doctor? >cd: Well, the good news is he is alive. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorlele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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