Dining Table Puns

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

“Dang!” I replied. “I really thought I’d nailed it.”

but for some reason she just rolled her eyes when I suggested this one

...I got Rich Quick.

I said it was Oaktimus Pine...

My SO and I were arguing which taste better so we decided to do a blind test on each one.

After deciding that Cholula was better, I said "Now you can tell your friends we experimented to spice up our lives."

I complimented her on picking an unteak.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

My mom was doing a crossword over breakfast with my dad at the dining room table and I overheard her asking him for help on one of the clues.

"'Uplifted' is the clue... Could it be something like 'elified'?" She asked.

Dad quickly replies, "'El-if-I know!"

"God...." My mom groans. I almost spit the milk I was drinking out. He doesn't make dad jokes often, so it took me by surprise :)

There was a loud noise from the dining room. I walk in to see my wife slumped over the table. She answers my inquisitive look with "I just clocked my knee."

"How fast was it going?"

...a dining set would be chair-i-table.

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

Father-in-law Text: You left your sunglasses on the dining room table. Me: That was not very BRIGHT!

So I was eating dinner with my brother and his S/O in the dining room as my dad was in the kitchen doing dad things, and as I was telling a joke my dad walked in and told me that my joke wasn't funny. I retaliated with "alright, let's here a joke then."

This is when he looked at my brother and I and said "the only jokes I have is the two sitting at the dinner table"

Fuckin' dad

At the dining room table, younger sister is talking about her intro to Spanish class and I passively mention "I was never really good at rolling my r's."

Right after I say this, my stepdad begins sliding in a circle in his chair. When I finally say "What are you doing!?" he responds:

"I'm rolling my arse."

So my mom brought up that she's been seeing Papa John's commercials for their garlic knots, and how they now have cinnamon knots too. I said we should try them next time we have pizza, when dad hit us with this: "Let's get knotty!!" I haven't laughed that hard at the dining table in a very long time.

While I was at work an elderly couple was dining and the wife asked for a straw. When I brought two for the table her husband politely declined and then looked me dead in the eyes and said "that's the last straw"

I clapped as he chuckled and his wife groaned

Back when I was younger I had a Canadian friend who had little kids. I came over one day and there was a blanket over the dining room table.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Oh," he said, "the kids are playing blanket forts. That's their table fort, eh?"

"Ah," I said, nodding wisely.

We went into the family room and they had a blanket over their sofa. My friend said, "That's their sofa fort, eh?"

Then we went into the living room. They had a blanket over the piano.