What is the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?

Roverdose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jelly_frijole
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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Buddy collided with a delivery truck - he got stabbed with the antenna.. Diagnosis?

A van aerial disease

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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Diagnosis: Urine in a lot of trouble.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
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The Diagnosis [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EXPLOSIVEGAMMA
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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A man showed up to my psychiatric practice dressed only in Saran Wrap requesting diagnosis.

I told him, β€œI can plainly see your nuts.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmturleymd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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What's the diagnosis? (Post your guess in the comments!) imgur.com/QLuWXgp
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2015
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Dad really took his cancer diagnosis well...

...going from Dad Jokes to Dead Jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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What’s the diagnosis after swallowing too many Christmas ornaments?

Tinselitis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thumpingplum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
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Doctor's diagnosis

I went to the doctor's today. He asked what he could do for me. I told him that the other day my colleague was driving me to work to save on fuel while simultaneously saving the planet. and while we were passing through a mountain I all of a sudden felt a sharp pain in my wrists. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neusbal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
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Dads response to my sisters possible self diagnosis

Sister: I'm sick a lot, maybe I have an autoimmune disorder... Dad: do you break into rash every time you get in a car? Bonus joke: mom says her thyroid cancer is a pain in the neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombiesnare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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Friend: β€œMy doctor said I had to give up playing the drums.” Me: β€œWhy?”

Friend: β€œHe lives in the apartment below me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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What should you do when your car dies under suspicious circumstances?

Order an auto-topsy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZoinkBoinkYoink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I noticed my dog starting to shake every time he barked, so I took him to the vet.

She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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A man walks into his doctor's office

With a large, painful lump under his armpit. In a slight panic, the man asks the doctor if there's any way he can help by informing him of what the massive growth is.

The doctor looks carefully and slightly questioning his diagnosis says, "A cyst?"

"Right", says the man, "I'd love to know what the hell this thing is and if you can help me with it".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ANoiseChild
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I was feeling sick.

I went to my Ear Nose and Throat doctor for sinus infections, migraines, and ringing in my ears. After a battery of tests he took me aside for my diagnosis.

"I am afraid your problems are all in your head."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kulthos_X
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Recently took my dad to the hospital..

As we were walking in people kept staring because Dad wouldn't stop yelling. He kept shouting,"A, E, I, O, U!" After he met with the doctor, we got the diagnosis.. Apparently he had lost all control of his vowels..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A super attractive doctor

Told a patient, "You're going to die, give up, there's nothing we can do"

It was a super-callous-fatalistic-sexy-diagnosis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guancho_T_Iguana
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Doctors are moving away from BMI for diagnosing obesity

I think the earlier challenges in comprehensive diagnosis came from the difficulty in getting results from patients. BMI is so easy it's automatic.

Meanwhile, getting body fat percentage required calipers or an intensive water displacement test. The distribution of body fat is never concrete; when does back fat stop and butt fat begin? Then, negative physiological effects of these two is the third indicator. Those need a host of diagnoses.

We are moving to a time when getting those figures has never been easier and thus could have never before been done on a large scale.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
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I should try my Geiger counter!

A few years back my mom was having some kind of stomoach problem, my dad took her to the doctor where she drank some kind of radioactive dye for some kind of diagnosis. My dad comes into their home-office where I am fixing their computer. "Hey Jake, C'mere" he says. He's holding a Geiger counter he has from who knows where. My mom is laying in her bed and he gets it closer and closer to her stomach and it goes off, flashing red! I am dying, laughing so hard then he says "Looks like we've got one hot mama" My mom just rolls her eyes and groans. One of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacticalcraptical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
🚨︎ report
"Acute Bronchitis"

My friend saw a doctor recently after he was dealing with a cough for a while, so he was telling us about the diagnosis.

My friend: "Guys, I've got acute bronchitis."

My other friend: "That's not that cute."

groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geehusky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad has a warped sense of humor

Mom was talking about her friend who's up in Canada taking care of her mom with Esophageal cancer.

Dad: Wow, I bet that diagnosis was hard to swallow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikhail_harel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Fridge Problems

Recently, my mother started smelling a coolant leak from our refridgerator. She called the repair man and he started work. Several hours later, he had his diagnosis, and it wasn't good. The whole machine was going to need to be replaced. Just as he was finishing up, my dad walked in. My dad asked the repair man what the damages were, and he explained that the coolant intake had sprung a leak. The whole unit was sealed, and air was now getting in and contaminating the entire system. The repair costs of the fridge would be about the same as getting a new one. My dad just sighed and looked at his hands.

Dad: "It sucks." He looked at the repair man with a goofy grin on his face. The repair man thought for a moment before answering.

Repair man: "Yeah... it does suck." Then both men cracked up laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluefoot_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out I’m colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomDaNub3719
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently found out I was colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple :D

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found out I’m colour blind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came out of the purple

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wo1fx
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found out that I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vibronicpoppy82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
The doctor told me I'm colorblind..

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The--Fonz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I've just been told I'm colourblind

I know, the diagnosis was out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsize
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
🚨︎ report

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