A hospital pun in these covid times!
Did youhear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
What's the biggest difference between male patients in a mental hospital and their female nurses?
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
A toothless old lady in hospital always gave away the peanuts she was given by her visitors to the nurses to eat.
One day a nurse asked her why she didn't ask for grapes instead of nuts.She replied that you can't get grapes with chocolate coating!
Who is the coolest person at the hospital
I told a joke about hemorrhoids in a hospital the other day.
It didn't sit well with some of the patients.
I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...
Because of all the cut backs.
Which part of a hospital is the best place to play hide and seek?
My son asked me why I bought a saddle for my father who’s in the hospital
I said, “Because he’s bedridden”
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
What did the hospital say to the man with 100% of his left side missing?
The doctor says “He’s alright”
The nurse follows “There’s nothing left!
When pornstars go to hospital....
....do they get XXX rays ?
What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but, you're not.
My grandson was taken to the hospital because he swallowed a $5 bill
Why was the casket sent to hospital?
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor replies, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby
She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile
What was the mental health hospital's primary charity program?
The hospital I stayed in was robbed!
I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.
Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?
Because everyone loves smooth saline!
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
Which hospital ward is observed the most?
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....
What do you call the section of hospital dedicated to squid?
Where is the worst place to hid in a hospital?
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
Who’s the nicest guy at the hospital?
One day a man took his wife to a restaurant instead of a hospital
The restaurant had free delivery
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
A man was admitted to the hospital for horses in him
Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital
I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".
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