What’s the difference between a dirty bus depot and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I’ll see myself out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gsned70
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Home Depot receipt done well
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Me to home Depot employee: I want to see your grills

Home Depot employee who happens to be Nelly who has fallen on hard times: you want to see my what?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I just stole a bunch of wood from Home Depot

It was a lumber jack

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, β€œSorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, β€œThat’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, β€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, β€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, β€œDoesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Home Depot wouldn't let me buy a hammer in store.

They said they have to mallet to me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Home Depot checkout line is as good a place as any for a dad joke

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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What do you call a depot where the armed forces store their camouflage?

A wherehouse.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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I went to Home Depot so I could find a boyfriend

I heard they sell stud finders.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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It's been a few weeks since my dad ordered new doors from Home Depot,

...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.

My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSudStud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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What did Home Depot say when it got kicked in the balls?

Menards!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waycaster2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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My Home Depot Manager got us together for serious store meeting. He asked who was breaking all the lumber in the wood aisle.

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImVladimirPutin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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You paid HOW much for that lumber at Home Depot?! Well, you know what they say..

Wood doesn't grow on trees.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlorimer1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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I just got back from home depot...

Hey where'd my pot go?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Why did the worker quit their job at the can recycling depot?

It was soda pressing

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prairiebrewer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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Got my mom in Home Depot yesterday...

"Wow, this gigantic bag of potting soil is only $3!"

"Yeah, it is dirt cheap."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GelfandDesign
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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What's the difference between a battleship and Home Depot?

One sinks ships .The other ships sinks.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevron007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Walking in to Home Depot yesterday to look at lawn mowers...

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brianlouis
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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Headed to Home Depot. I need a helmet, a pail, and a toilet.

...and that's my Bucket list

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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I work at home Depot and a customer asks me if we have any buffing compounds

I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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I don't like going to Home Depot

The studfinders won't leave me alone

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k33p
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
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I dropped a pack of batteries when we went shopping at Home Depot

And then my dad said, "Careful son, if you break those you'll be charged with battery."

He then said, "You looked shocked!" and scampered away giggling.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/togapops
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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What do you sing when you're stuck in the paint aisle at Home Depot?

"Cause I'm, stuck in the middle of hues~"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littleartistan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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My co worker was upset that office depot ruined her wedding invitations

She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rationaljackass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Gender politics in the Home Depot garden section

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Jay_Peg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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Walking into Home Depot...

My dad sees this sign and asks my brother and I: "What Irish person sits on your porch?" My brother and I couldn't guess it so he told us: "Patty 'O Furniture"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/esporia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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The Home Depot employee and I had a good laugh girlfriend did not.

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingersluck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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Got dad joked by a stranger at Home Depot possibly my future self

As I was leaving the Home Depot today an elderly man likely in his 70's approached me and said,

"Hey young man I want to tell you something, you how they always see bees flying around gas stations?"

I didn't but I wanted to leave so I said "yes"

He says "Well they found out the bees are using the bathroom while they're flying around the gas station... And you know what their favorite gas station is?"

I say "Ummm nope"

He says "BP! Bee pee! You get it!"

I got a good laugh at that one and for some strange reason I feel that some number of years from now I will be trolling the Home Depot parking lot making Bee Pee jokes and someone will send me back in time to save dad joking for future generations and I will tell myself that joke for the first time today...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimillett
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2016
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Dadjoked my Dad at Home Depot

I was at Home Depot with my dad as I watched him throw wood into the cart.

Me: "Hey careful with that. Do you think wood grows on trees."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Idols
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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A run to Home Depot turned into a Dad Joke

As we were checking out at the register with some new tools ...

Son: Dad, what happened to number 9?

Me: What?

Son: Register 9, it's missing. Where did it go?

Me: Seven.

Daughter: What?

Me: It must have been seven.

Wife: ????

Son: ????

Me: Because seven ate nine.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thetk42one
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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Home Depot Greeter

My husband and I walked into Home Depot to go shopping. They often have their orange buckets by the door to use as a basket.

When my husband grabbed it he said, "I can purchase this, right?"

The greeter said, "Yeah just do me a favor and don't kick it. "

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mamabearmcb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
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My dad yelling at the ladders at home depot

"You're not my real ladder! You're my step ladder!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtree5757
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
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Home Depot

We were driving by Home Depot.

Dad: This is the new anti-drug headquarters. Family: What? Dad: It's Home De-pot! Mom&Brother: [groan] Me: XD

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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A nice little Sunday at Home Depot...

My wife and I were at Home Depot walking through the kitchen section pointing out which granite was nicest. Then she said, "..but quartz is what I want", to which I replied, "of quartz you do".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brianvsshark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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Got Dadjoked while working at Home Depot

I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture:

Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden.

Customer: (Looks at my apron and points.) I thought your name is Chris!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MedStudent14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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Got a good one in at Home Depot

My brother in law and I were looking for some PVC pipe in order to fix my pool filter. He was looking in a lot of places for for this one specific type of connector when he thought we found it. Unfortunately it wasn't even close and he threw his hands up in frustration.

I turn to him with a dead serious expression and said "don't give up on your pipe dream."

I got a very satisfying groan from him right after I said it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashboardglowing
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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So we're at Home Depot and my dad drops this one...

We are looking at lighting for our house and we have a few boxes of different fixtures in our buggy. My dad comes over and says we have a lot of lights. A.....light load.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hrtofdixie
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
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My dad walked into Home Depot to get some containers...

An employee walks up and asks him if he needs any help. Dad responds with "Unless you're going to pack the stuff at home away for me, not really!" The employee lets him know that the best container is the dumpster. "If you haven't used it in a year and don't miss it, throw it away." Dad looks to his fiance and says, "Evan! All he does is show up for breaks, drink my beer and eat my food, and then leaves! He was gone all last year and I didn't miss him!"

I am Evan.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vacuousregistrant
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus depot and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RTB779500
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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