Depot Puns

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I’ll see myself out...

“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

Home Depot employee who happens to be Nelly who has fallen on hard times: you want to see my what?

It was a lumber jack

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

They said they have to mallet to me.

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

A wherehouse.

I heard they sell stud finders.

...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.

My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".

Menards!!!

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

Wood doesn't grow on trees.

Hey where'd my pot go?

It was soda pressing

"Wow, this gigantic bag of potting soil is only $3!"

"Yeah, it is dirt cheap."

One sinks ships .The other ships sinks.

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

...and that's my Bucket list

I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms

The studfinders won't leave me alone

And then my dad said, "Careful son, if you break those you'll be charged with battery."

He then said, "You looked shocked!" and scampered away giggling.

"Cause I'm, stuck in the middle of hues~"

She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

My dad sees this sign and asks my brother and I: "What Irish person sits on your porch?" My brother and I couldn't guess it so he told us: "Patty 'O Furniture"

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

As I was leaving the Home Depot today an elderly man likely in his 70's approached me and said,

"Hey young man I want to tell you something, you how they always see bees flying around gas stations?"

I didn't but I wanted to leave so I said "yes"

He says "Well they found out the bees are using the bathroom while they're flying around the gas station... And you know what their favorite gas station is?"

I say "Ummm nope"

He says "BP! Bee pee! You get it!"

I got a good laugh at that one and for some strange reason I feel that some number of years from now I will be trolling the Home Depot parking lot making Bee Pee jokes and someone will send me back in time to save dad joking for future generations and I will tell myself that joke for the first time today...

I was at Home Depot with my dad as I watched him throw wood into the cart.

Me: "Hey careful with that. Do you think wood grows on trees."

As we were checking out at the register with some new tools ...

Son: Dad, what happened to number 9?

Me: What?

Son: Register 9, it's missing. Where did it go?

Me: Seven.

Daughter: What?

Me: It must have been seven.

Wife: ????

Son: ????

Me: Because seven ate nine.

My husband and I walked into Home Depot to go shopping. They often have their orange buckets by the door to use as a basket.

When my husband grabbed it he said, "I can purchase this, right?"

The greeter said, "Yeah just do me a favor and don't kick it. "

"You're not my real ladder! You're my step ladder!"

We were driving by Home Depot.

Dad: This is the new anti-drug headquarters. Family: What? Dad: It's Home De-pot! Mom&Brother: [groan] Me: XD

My wife and I were at Home Depot walking through the kitchen section pointing out which granite was nicest. Then she said, "..but quartz is what I want", to which I replied, "of quartz you do".

I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture:

Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden.

Customer: (Looks at my apron and points.) I thought your name is Chris!

My brother in law and I were looking for some PVC pipe in order to fix my pool filter. He was looking in a lot of places for for this one specific type of connector when he thought we found it. Unfortunately it wasn't even close and he threw his hands up in frustration.

I turn to him with a dead serious expression and said "don't give up on your pipe dream."

I got a very satisfying groan from him right after I said it.

We are looking at lighting for our house and we have a few boxes of different fixtures in our buggy. My dad comes over and says we have a lot of lights. A.....light load.

An employee walks up and asks him if he needs any help. Dad responds with "Unless you're going to pack the stuff at home away for me, not really!" The employee lets him know that the best container is the dumpster. "If you haven't used it in a year and don't miss it, throw it away." Dad looks to his fiance and says, "Evan! All he does is show up for breaks, drink my beer and eat my food, and then leaves! He was gone all last year and I didn't miss him!"

I am Evan.

One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.