Depot Puns

Under Quikrete 80 lb hug strength concrete bags, I saw the following under Q&A

Q: How many feet are in a bag?

A: No feet, only concrete.

This sub doesn’t allow images, otherwise I’d post it.

When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.

My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked “Hey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said “I don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for “being a smart ass”.

I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask “Hey dad, where do you think those come from.”

On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said “Well would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.

TLDR: My dad: “Where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: “I don’t know. Home Depot?”

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I’ll see myself out...

“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

Home Depot employee who happens to be Nelly who has fallen on hard times: you want to see my what?

It was a lumber jack

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

They said they have to mallet to me.

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

I heard they sell stud finders.

A wherehouse.

...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.

My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

It was soda pressing

Wood doesn't grow on trees.

"Wow, this gigantic bag of potting soil is only $3!"

"Yeah, it is dirt cheap."

One sinks ships .The other ships sinks.

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms

...and that's my Bucket list

The studfinders won't leave me alone

And then my dad said, "Careful son, if you break those you'll be charged with battery."

He then said, "You looked shocked!" and scampered away giggling.

"Cause I'm, stuck in the middle of hues~"

She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

My dad sees this sign and asks my brother and I: "What Irish person sits on your porch?" My brother and I couldn't guess it so he told us: "Patty 'O Furniture"

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

I was at Home Depot with my dad as I watched him throw wood into the cart.

Me: "Hey careful with that. Do you think wood grows on trees."

As we were checking out at the register with some new tools ...

Son: Dad, what happened to number 9?

Me: What?

Son: Register 9, it's missing. Where did it go?

Me: Seven.

Daughter: What?

Me: It must have been seven.

Wife: ????

Son: ????

Me: Because seven ate nine.

"You're not my real ladder! You're my step ladder!"

My husband and I walked into Home Depot to go shopping. They often have their orange buckets by the door to use as a basket.

When my husband grabbed it he said, "I can purchase this, right?"

The greeter said, "Yeah just do me a favor and don't kick it. "

We were driving by Home Depot.

Dad: This is the new anti-drug headquarters. Family: What? Dad: It's Home De-pot! Mom&Brother: [groan] Me: XD

My wife and I were at Home Depot walking through the kitchen section pointing out which granite was nicest. Then she said, "..but quartz is what I want", to which I replied, "of quartz you do".

I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture:

Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden.

Customer: (Looks at my apron and points.) I thought your name is Chris!

My brother in law and I were looking for some PVC pipe in order to fix my pool filter. He was looking in a lot of places for for this one specific type of connector when he thought we found it. Unfortunately it wasn't even close and he threw his hands up in frustration.

I turn to him with a dead serious expression and said "don't give up on your pipe dream."

I got a very satisfying groan from him right after I said it.

An employee walks up and asks him if he needs any help. Dad responds with "Unless you're going to pack the stuff at home away for me, not really!" The employee lets him know that the best container is the dumpster. "If you haven't used it in a year and don't miss it, throw it away." Dad looks to his fiance and says, "Evan! All he does is show up for breaks, drink my beer and eat my food, and then leaves! He was gone all last year and I didn't miss him!"

I am Evan.

We are looking at lighting for our house and we have a few boxes of different fixtures in our buggy. My dad comes over and says we have a lot of lights. A.....light load.

Hey where'd my pot go?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.