Demande Puns

Let that sink in.

and immediately crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.

He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.

Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.

They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.

“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

He says I'm lucky before he Alderaan out.

It's a seize and de-cyst order!

His future looks to be in Jeopardy!

Like a good friend, I only need your presents.

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.

They said we were blowing it out of proportion.

It's always out of stock

The cop got out to inspect the car, when he smelled something decaying. Instantly, the cop pulled his gun and asked Schrodinger to get out with his hands up.

Prof. Schrodinger cooperated and got out. “What’s the matter officer?”

“Open the trunk! Slowly!” The cop demanded.

Schrodinger paled. “No officer, you’ll ruin my experiment!”

The officer took the safety off his gun, now alarmed. “Open it! Now!”

The professor sighed, but opened his trunk. Instantly the smell of decaying flesh filled the air, but the officer was startled. “That’s a dead cat!”

Schrodinger sighed. “Yes, there is one now.”

(No cats were actually harmed in this!)

It's called artificial scare-city

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

They call it buttcoin.

And then demand a second one, due to false advertising

I'm dreading it

"It's not our fault" said the librarian,

"That's the one" I replied.

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

But they're in high demand

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

I remembered a good Dad joke moment.

My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.

My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.

I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."

They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.

But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.

After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "

This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?

A Ransom Note.

Upon further reflection i decided to leave

I just thought this up I hope its an original one

The leader donkey got shot and killed.

Ass-as-a-nation

Because Sharon is Karen! (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

But I just didn't have it in me

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

He lost interest

Edit: *Why

So I had to put my foot down

Because he's eggcentric

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

I said, "Hey now!"

This is a tankless job.

Sack-o-fries

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

When I asked him how it was going he said, "it's a tankless job, but somebody's gotta do it."

Head of the chain of demand.

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

One day, a blind customer came in with his chihuahua and demanded a return. “What’s wrong with your CNI dog, sir?” Ron asked. He yelled, “This isn’t what I meant!”