What do you call a defender of a castle who is too weak? (X-post r/Jokes)

A fortnight

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/akc1999
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2017
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How do you defend yourself from a gang of clowns that come at you?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/math_rod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2021
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I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.

I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/karatesauce
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 29 2020
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 80
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 03 2021
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When I become a lawyer, I want to defend a penguin....

Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 590
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2021
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I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere

I’m raisin awareness

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2020
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Defend my honour
πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/roritios
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 20 2020
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Who's most well known for their big D?

Anyone that successfully defended their thesis.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shay9999
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 13 2021
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Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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Why did the man in a wheelchair need someone to defend him?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2020
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What time do chickens defend their garrisons?

Fort-hen

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tamiyatt01d
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 21 2020
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Video title: Neil deGrasse Tyson defends Elon Musk smoking Weed
πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Saiib0t
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2020
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Testing_things_out
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2019
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What do you call an insect that's in trouble with the law?

A defend-ant

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thetruthseeker1022
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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Some people do martial arts to defend themselves. . .

Others do them just for kicks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Avartes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2019
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A defendant wants to take the stand.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2018
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He won't be allowed to court anyways
πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moses10960
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2020
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What is the best way to defend yourself in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Above_And_Beyond2215
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2019
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What magic words did Elon Musk say to defend himself from gas car companies?

Expecto Petroleum!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2019
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The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2018
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When all hope was lost in the courtroom, the defendant attorney suddenly came out of some luggage and won the trial with efficiency and success.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BustZaNuto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2019
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The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2018
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Billy Joel and his friends were accused of arson, when they was asked why they did it they defended themselves of not doing it by only saying

β€œWe didn’t start the fire”

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Datnotguy17
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 07 2018
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The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gt0t
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 14 2018
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A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2020
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[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 07 2020
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What do you call a weed dealer in a suit?

A cannabusinessman!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LarsDiamond
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 16 2020
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Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 09 2019
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I was being assaulted and I didn't have anything to defend myself.

I wasn't peppered.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/beverlynn419
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2015
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What is the minimal force required to defend a graveyard?

A skeleton crew.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TaohRihze
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2015
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Prosecutor: "In the case of who illegally made a blanket out of patches,

we call the defendant quilty"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PeterRoar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2020
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My mother defending her height

My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Eeeper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2014
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What did the Turkey judge say to the defendant?

GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wwesmudge
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2014
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Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 17 2019
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I got in trouble at work for damaging an executive's Microsoft tablet.

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RutabagaJoe
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 01 2018
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My favorite arcade game is Galaga.

You know, the one where you smash watamelons.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TempestInTheCar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2017
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Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bradstros
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2019
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You know why environmentalism is said to be green?

Because the earth is sick of the hypocrisy of the protesters who claim to be defending it.

https://i0.wp.com/climatechangedispatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/cartoon-earth-day.jpg

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2018
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2018
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