A defendant wants to take the stand.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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When all hope was lost in the courtroom, the defendant attorney suddenly came out of some luggage and won the trial with efficiency and success.

It was a brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BustZaNuto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
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What did the Turkey judge say to the defendant?

GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwesmudge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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When I become a lawyer, I want to defend a penguin....

Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.

I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatesauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere

I’m raisin awareness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Defend my honour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roritios
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Why did the man in a wheelchair need someone to defend him?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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What time do chickens defend their garrisons?

Fort-hen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamiyatt01d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Video title: Neil deGrasse Tyson defends Elon Musk smoking Weed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saiib0t
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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He won't be allowed to court anyways
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Some people do martial arts to defend themselves. . .

Others do them just for kicks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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What do you call a weed dealer in a suit?

A cannabusinessman!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsDiamond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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What do you call underwear that defends itself?

A boxer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
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What is the best way to defend yourself in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Prosecutor: "In the case of who illegally made a blanket out of patches,

we call the defendant quilty"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterRoar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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What magic words did Elon Musk say to defend himself from gas car companies?

Expecto Petroleum!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What do you call a defender of a castle who is too weak? (X-post r/Jokes)

A fortnight

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akc1999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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Billy Joel and his friends were accused of arson, when they was asked why they did it they defended themselves of not doing it by only saying

β€œWe didn’t start the fire”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datnotguy17
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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I was being assaulted and I didn't have anything to defend myself.

I wasn't peppered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beverlynn419
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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What is the minimal force required to defend a graveyard?

A skeleton crew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaohRihze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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My mother defending her height

My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eeeper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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The judge says

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.

Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"

The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"

Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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I got in trouble at work for damaging an executive's Microsoft tablet.

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RutabagaJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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I'm a prosecutor, and we had our morning meeting, and I was asked to leave over this one

1: "The fight was in the kitchen area at the restaurant between the bus boy and the dish washer."

Me:" Who is the defendant? "

1: "The dish washer. "

Me: " Is it the State v. Ken More? (Kenmore)"

2: "Get out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorianXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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You know why environmentalism is said to be green?

Because the earth is sick of the hypocrisy of the protesters who claim to be defending it.

https://i0.wp.com/climatechangedispatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/cartoon-earth-day.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Dad joke from my law professor today

We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with

Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way

*commence class wide groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Pizza_Puncher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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My favorite arcade game is Galaga.

You know, the one where you smash watamelons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TempestInTheCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
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My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon.

We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".

My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"

I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexJWhite86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
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Why you don't try to explain video games to fathers.

So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waitingtillmarch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My dad's long running joke...

For as long as I can remember, my dad would go into the bathroom and drop a real stinky shit, then wait outside the bathroom until my mom wanders by at which time he would say something along the lines of "Goddamn Carol! Light a match in there next time! What crawled up your ass and died?!". My mom always would look mortified and defend herself as if she actually did it. Even after countless years of seeing him pull the same routine over and over again it's still hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some_Random_Bro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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