How do you defend yourself against an army of attacking cattle?

With a cowitzer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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How do you defend yourself from a gang of clowns that come at you?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/math_rod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.

They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.

I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatesauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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When I become a lawyer, I want to defend a penguin....

Just so I can say, "Your honour!! My client clearly isn't a flight risk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere

I’m raisin awareness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Defend my honour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roritios
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Who's most well known for their big D?

Anyone that successfully defended their thesis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shay9999
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Why did the man in a wheelchair need someone to defend him?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Video title: Neil deGrasse Tyson defends Elon Musk smoking Weed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saiib0t
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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What time do chickens defend their garrisons?

Fort-hen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamiyatt01d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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Some people do martial arts to defend themselves. . .

Others do them just for kicks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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What do you call an insect that's in trouble with the law?

A defend-ant

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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A defendant wants to take the stand.

The judge says, "You might as well take the stand. According to your record of thefts and the current larceny charges against you, it appears that you've already taken about everything else."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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What is the best way to defend yourself in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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He won't be allowed to court anyways
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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What magic words did Elon Musk say to defend himself from gas car companies?

Expecto Petroleum!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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When all hope was lost in the courtroom, the defendant attorney suddenly came out of some luggage and won the trial with efficiency and success.

It was a brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BustZaNuto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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What do you call a defender of a castle who is too weak? (X-post r/Jokes)

A fortnight

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akc1999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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The defendant used his body to make the shape of the letter X in front of the plaintiff

The plaintiff got exposed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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Billy Joel and his friends were accused of arson, when they was asked why they did it they defended themselves of not doing it by only saying

β€œWe didn’t start the fire”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datnotguy17
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
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A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a weed dealer in a suit?

A cannabusinessman!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsDiamond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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I was being assaulted and I didn't have anything to defend myself.

I wasn't peppered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beverlynn419
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
🚨︎ report
What is the minimal force required to defend a graveyard?

A skeleton crew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaohRihze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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My mother defending her height

My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eeeper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
What did the Turkey judge say to the defendant?

GAVEL GAVEL GAVEL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwesmudge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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Prosecutor: "In the case of who illegally made a blanket out of patches,

we call the defendant quilty"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterRoar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in trouble at work for damaging an executive's Microsoft tablet.

I defended myself saying "I've barely scratched the Surface"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RutabagaJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My favorite arcade game is Galaga.

You know, the one where you smash watamelons.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TempestInTheCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
🚨︎ report

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