What an achievement
When a semi-aquatic mammal in Antarctica likes what you're doing...you have the seal of approval
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
We have achieved world peas
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
100% effective method to not go to jail
I once knew a scarecrow that won an award
for outstanding achievements in his field.
To achieve Damp
You have to let it sink in
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
Finally achieved world peas
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
Supermilk
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
New Achievement as a Father
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no".
I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
Finally achieved world peas
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..
He stood up and said “you breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?
Finally achieved world peas
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.
It's all been downhill from that.
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.
Then there will finally be no violins.
What is your crowning achievement?
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
What did the dog achieve at university?
Anyone can become communist.
My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.
He's criminally underrated to be honest.
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?
He was outstanding in his field!
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