It makes people uncomfortable when they see you mask debating in public.
I need to be kinder.
We went rafting today!
I'd love to see Brexit Ralph.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Current events
Current events
Current events make it less attractive.
All hail The Double Pun. Mic drop
Dad: Current events, probably.
To know about current events.
Because itβs only interested in current events.
He wasn't paying attention to current events.
He likes to keep up with current events.
Apparently, it's a current event.
It's good to keep up on current events.
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit β‘I was at an Arabic-themed pop-up bar with some friends last weekend, where all the drinks were named for places and things relating to the Arab world, etc. Everyone's favorite drink was a punch called "Fuck ISIS" (which was delicious), and I said "Wow, a punch named for a current event... I guess one could call it... topical punch."
Ba-dum psh.
I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family.
Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon.
Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Well, are they... pause... All aboard with the idea?
both can't contain laughter
Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table.
Heβs very passionate about current events.
I am trying to keep myself knowlegeable in current events.
current events for people to sea.
Something about wanting benefits. You can learn more in current events.
I'm looking for a team name that is based on a safety pun or play on words. Currently I have Safety Pins, Dukes of Hazard and Risky Business. This is for a workplace event so it also has to be civil.
Current events
My friend: "Just remembered some girl in my class today shared a current event on cowspiracy"
Me:"I bet it was pretty... cheesy"
so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).
they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;
"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"
audible groan from everyone in the office. success.
my dad would be proud.
Current events.
Yes. Itβs true. Current events have made it less attractive.
Current events
Current events.
Current events
Current events.
Current events
Current events
Is all about current events
Current events
Current events.
Current events.
