Our local cricket club applied to the council for a grant.

They got Hugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Egyptian Council Leader: the public transport in Cairo is terrible.

Egyptian Transport Secretary: We need a new bus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My local council has managed to legislate a ban on all headgear

Hats off to them for getting that passed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolface2k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house

They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down

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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.

You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theGamingDad123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Leedsbyexample. Well played Leeds council.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuteHalfling
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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What do you call a council of feudal slaves?

A serf board

What does the king do when he dislikes their recommendations?

He hangs ten

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LookITriedHard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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It took the Simian Council weeks of tense negotiating for a new Constitution, but eventually...

it all ended with a Round of Ape Laws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Romnonaldao
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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So a council meeting involving a large sum of employees were under major stress on what to call their restaurant. The team leader was furiously dissatisfied and screamed:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Keyhan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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I called the council today because a family of ducks were trapped in wet concrete.

β€œCan someone come and fix the quacks in the sidewalk” I said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TorchTheRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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Why did the horse city council never get anything done?

They always voted neigh (even the mare)!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paulinkenbrandt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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The city council wanted to install a new traffic light at the busy intersection

They just needed the mayor to green light the project

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Donald Trump appoints Elon Musk to advisory council.

He was a Musk have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bozzy253
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
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Calling Dad Council

I need your help coiming up with something to write on a get well card for a dog who had eye surgery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KelticDemon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
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Got the whole council with this one...

I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.

It came down to this:

  1. No study was done to show the validity of the difference.
  2. It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number.
  3. The reason for this approach was simply that it is "standard in the industry" and because it is "what every other city does".

Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."

Mixture of groans and laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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Struggle with your Children's Math homework ?

... Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Our city’s main reservoir leaked and now water supply is dependent on a network of bores

Which to be honest I think is a pretty mean way to refer to our city council, however dull they may be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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You're being berry rude
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berserkkiller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Hi, r/Puns. I need a funny name for a quiz team. Help!

I'm going to a quiz with my girlfriend's work in a couple of weeks and need to think of a name. I've been thinking for a while and can't think up anything original, but I also want it to be somehow relevant to her work - she works for a local city council here in the UK.

Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remalaptar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2013
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My son needs your help

He is running for student council. He can make two posters.

My idea. First one, don't pick your nose, pick Derek

Second. There are three kinds of people, those that can count and those that run for student council.

He is 12

Thank you for your help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fundhero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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My Dad's seasonal joke

There are lots of parks in my hometown and whenever summer rolls around lots of people congregate on them. To prevent litter becoming a problem the local council puts out more bins.

Whenever anyone comments on the "summer bins" being put out, my Dad ALWAYS says "Summer bins, some aren't!" and laughs for about half a minute.

I think he's laughing at how bad the joke is and how little fun the rest of us get out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabulousGeorge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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Had a cracking joke from recent family holiday to Grenada

My parents, girlfriend and I were walking around exploring one of the neighbouring islands when we saw a sign that said "youth recreational grounds" on it, but was just a field full of goats.

My dad exclaims "pretty sure these aren't the youths that the council had in mind"

And I retort "either way, I hear it's a great place to bring your kids"

...Cue groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WallytheWarlock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
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More Cemetery jokes needed

Drove past a cemetery today. Kid in back seat, wife in front. I said "Look! people are dying to get in there". Then, " that is the dead centre of town "... & as always " the Council says you cannot be buried there if you live within 5 miles of that cemetery" Wife stated .... " you need new cemetery jokes".

Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnonE_Mouse1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
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Three men walk into a bar...

The council finally removed it after the third lawsuit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditozCiccio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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