I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.

It’s all Maple leaf

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryman85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Unidentified male charged with two completely different crimes in the produce aisle.

He took a leek

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I've completed 4 years of being single today.

Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sairohit21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Your undergraduate diploma was a complete waste of money, you should throw it in the fire.

That's a first degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient....

he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What can you attach to a ball, a harp, or a cart to make something completely different?

β€œoon”.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘︎ 40k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My therapist just told me that I'm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely....

.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 465
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an amusement park ride that's completely made out of iron?

A Ferrous Wheel! :D

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fafnir_19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Completely Innapropriate Dad Joke Guy (A Sketch)

Not sure if links to videos are allowed here but I made a sketch that’s on topic so I hope you enjoy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhysHalliwell
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a finance minister who successfully completes his term in the office? BUCK-MINSTER-FULLER-RENE
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sameer_gulzar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?

100%

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
We successfully went back in time and got Isaac Newton and Shakespeare to complete each other's research

Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RamSamG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation

He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.

None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.

"Oh, haven't you herd?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slekrons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I had this crazy dream where I was completely weightless...

I was like 0mg.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Not the best, but not a complete "waist" of money
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphadragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Astonishmium
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenebalism
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didn’t get the door closed completely.

When is a door also a good container? When it’s ajar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/channabanana01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.

I ran out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards..

We will update you as the situation unfolds.

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t pirates complete the alphabet song?

Because they get lost at C

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infernonebula
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.

Teacher: β€œIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”

Me: β€œYou might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby-Bobson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, ...

an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainz4Dayz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When my kids found that the fall term would be completely online, the result was instant drama and tears.

But now that we had a few drinks, we feel better.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting /r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProCreeper_2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A real conversation I had last night

Her: β€œIs it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)

Me: β€œY’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”

Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Choopzilla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor just told me that i was color blind

that came completely out of the orange

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/who_8_my_pasta_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My complete jerk of a brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer!

Dad calls him "Chop Suey."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...

...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since I went through with my sex change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me

It's like I'm transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yanaytsabary
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 459
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the rabbi that walked into a bar?

He was hit in the temple.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

πŸ‘︎ 820
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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