Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?
What unit of measure do pirates use?
How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you measure the power of love?
In jewels
It's an engineering joke
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
Patients who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
What is the first step in making a solar system?
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than °C or K for measuring temperature.
If Britain would ever switch over to the imperial system...
The chaps would likely have to go to a pub to have a pint and complain.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the imperial proctologist?
These aren’t the ‘rhoids you’re looking for.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
A lot of people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
Since the US is the only country that uses British Imperial Units, it’s ironically the only former British colony to still have British rulers.
I'm in favor of the US converting to the metric system
You could say I'm a pro-grammer.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
How do you measure the speed of joy?...
What is the cannibal carpenter’s favorite measurement?
My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap
I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
Baby Roach: “Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”
Papa Roach: “Suffocation. No breathing.”
Disney just announced a Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean crossover
I'm looking forward to seeing Arrgghh-2-D2.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI ‘s head.
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
The first letter of the sign of a derelict hotel fell off and killed a man.
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
What’s a monk’s favorite unit of measurement?
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