Commutate Puns

He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.

I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.

He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.

Don't worry. He eventually got into the swing of things.

My friend asked me what I was train...ing for

It helps me get from Station to Station

Another case of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

They both take the L.

The cross roads

It takes a toll on everybody.

We had a friend in town this weekend whose flight was this afternoon, so she was staying at the house for a while after my wife and I left for work. About halfway through my commute I was overtaken by a terrible sense of dread and panic that I forgotten to flush the toilet and our friend was going to come face to face with a semi-fresh dookie when she went to the restroom.

I was so mortified at this that I preemptively texted her to warn her and requested that she please, for both our sake's, flush the toilet prior to lifting the lid. We may never know whether I needed to send that text-- it was a real Schrodinger Scat situation.

This is sort of a TIFU, but I have no idea if I actually did and I'm not sure she would have the heart to tell me anyway.

My fiancée asked the appraiser if he took the train into work and he said "no way, the train takes me. I'd have to eat a whole bunch of Wheaties before I could haul something that big."

He also had three daughters. A diamond dad joke.

He got caught up in a noose-paper.

"I was stuck in traffic so long I got a parking ticket!"

A personal commuter

Dad: "Guess who I saw today?"

Off guard me: "Who?"

Dad: "Everyone I looked at 😬"

Me: "Dammit dad lol"

------------several hours later----------

[he usually calls me on the way home from work to shoot the shit as I have a 45 minute commute]

Me: "Hey dad what's up?"

Dad: "How do dinosaurs clap?"

Me: "Ooooookay. How?"

Dad: "They don't. They're all fucking dead."

[then chuckles and proceeds to tell me about this program our local minor league baseball team has to give free tickets to games to students with high grades....as if the above didn't just happen]

On our regular weekend commute, my girlfriend and I pass a B&B named The Old Inn on the Green. Saturday, as we were passing the sign, I said to her in my best about-to-share-something-interesting voice, "You know, it wasn't always called The Old Inn on the Green."

She inquired, "Yeah? What was it called?"

"Well, when it was first built it was known as the New Inn on the Green."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iwmp2Tiv80

"What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?" "U.C.L.A"

Needless to say, it made my morning commute.

I find it helps me get from Station to Station