Aw shucks
They all startled "what happened?" I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
He was resisting a rest.
Donβt ask meow.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
It wasnβt my first choice, but Iβm ok with it.
"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.
"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
Youβve just been a-salted
A premeditated murder
He had a wee cough.
"Because they were acting like mugs."
... I think it's caught the car owner virus"
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
Congratulations! Have a blast.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a β¬5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
We were catering this morning at a local breakfast event. After we cleaned up we hung out in the kitchen and she was talking about a wooden table that was there too.
Her: "I think this thing is amazing. I think that's for beating meat" (not what you think)
Me: "I'd use a hammer for that"
I am married for the 3rd time, does that count?
Oh wow! Dig it, man!
I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.
It's an inside joke.
Why didnβt I think of that?
Guess Iβll have to recycle them.
It was a party mostly with parents and their children.
A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.
One of the dads said, βOh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?β
I know itβs not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didnβt think of it.
Peers
A work colleague of mine, Ted, was recently caught stealing work supplies for his brother Grant. Which was a shame because I'd told him it would happen if he kept it up. Only the day before he was caught I told him "You can't keep taking these things for Grant, Ted!"
I pointed to her pants and asked her where she bought them...
I said "velocity" and hung up
"Want to go on a carbon date?"
Barium
Me: Cool, now you have a lot of free time on your hands
Another colleague in the room replied, "No, Lisa. He uses his fingers. Gotta pay attention."
His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said "nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right?" My dad responded "yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith". He was very pleased with himself
I lacked the drive."
Now it is his Word against mine.
Me: I am almost sure she knows its her birthday.
I replied "Then stop it..."
He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount....so I said...
"Well I guess we have joint custardy then"
I'm very proud
Of course it is running really slow, computers don't have legs.
Itβs not my first choice, but Iβm ok with it.
It wasn't my first choice, but I'm ok with it.
