My colleagues, I tell ya
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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What did the oyster cleaner say when his colleagues threw him a party?

Aw shucks

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"

They all startled "what happened?" I reply "it's Sharp!"

They murmured something and left the room...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KM130
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Did you hear about the workaholic cop who got handcuffed by his colleagues because he refused to take a lunch break?

He was resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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One of my colleagues has just told me he’s caught COVID-19 from his cat...

Don’t ask meow.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.

Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."

Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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My colleagues at work gave me the nickname β€œMr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

πŸ‘︎ 516
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break

I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I work in a kitchen and my colleague threw a satchet of salt at me and said

You’ve just been a-salted

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cordite96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?

A premeditated murder

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.

He had a wee cough.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vectorman1989
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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A colleague at worked complained he couldn't find any clean cups. "Maybe they're in the naughty corner," I offered. "Why would they be there?" he asked.

"Because they were acting like mugs."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Helping my work colleague with her car. "I'm sorry, it's not looking good....

... I think it's caught the car owner virus"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kefir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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What did the terrorist wish to his colleague on his birthday?

Congratulations! Have a blast.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salmankhan787
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my colleague today

We were catering this morning at a local breakfast event. After we cleaned up we hung out in the kitchen and she was talking about a wooden table that was there too.

Her: "I think this thing is amazing. I think that's for beating meat" (not what you think)

Me: "I'd use a hammer for that"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CetusNiveus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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My colleague asked me if i was good at tying knots

I am married for the 3rd time, does that count?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/empressofglasgow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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What did the high archaeologist say to his colleagues upon discovering a trove of dinosaur bones?

Oh wow! Dig it, man!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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I once spilled a cup of acid on one of my colleagues. It was an acident
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.

I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odd_gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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While walking in the office, my colleague pulled me into a room to tell a joke.

It's an inside joke.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shraone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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My colleague invented a machine that would steal other people’s ideas, and wipe them off the subject’s memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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My colleague just took a new job at a waste management company and I’ve completely run out of pun jokes.

Guess I’ll have to recycle them.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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This happened at a recent Easter party at my wife’s colleague’s house:

It was a party mostly with parents and their children.

A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.

One of the dads said, β€œOh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?”

I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa-heph
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the colleagues who visit the restrooms together?

Peers

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bubi093
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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A work colleague of mine, was recently caught stealing work supplies...

A work colleague of mine, Ted, was recently caught stealing work supplies for his brother Grant. Which was a shame because I'd told him it would happen if he kept it up. Only the day before he was caught I told him "You can't keep taking these things for Grant, Ted!"

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldie224
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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Today my colleague told me that her Asian genes kept her young-looking.

I pointed to her pants and asked her where she bought them...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genetic_Heretic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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A colleague of mine called me and asked me for a quick word...

I said "velocity" and hung up

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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How did the paleontologist ask his colleague out?

"Want to go on a carbon date?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/detyje
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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What do chemists do when a colleague dies?

Barium

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeptil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Colleague: My dad gifted me a wristwatch on my birthday

Me: Cool, now you have a lot of free time on your hands

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kpax
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
One of my colleagues asked, "Do you play the piano by ear?"

Another colleague in the room replied, "No, Lisa. He uses his fingers. Gotta pay attention."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magnalbatross
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My dad on a large file his colleague sent him

His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said "nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right?" My dad responded "yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith". He was very pleased with himself

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustSamOne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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My colleague unintentionally: "Yeah I gave up golfing ....

I lacked the drive."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dplhollands
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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Today, I challenged my colleague to a document typing contest.

Now it is his Word against mine.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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My wife: Ill be late from work today. It's my colleague's surprise birthday party.

Me: I am almost sure she knows its her birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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In the context of elderly customers calling with questions. A colleague of my said "I hate fucking old customers"

I replied "Then stop it..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InthegrOTTO87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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A colleague and I shared a pack of custard creams....

He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount....so I said...

"Well I guess we have joint custardy then"

I'm very proud

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/antiunreal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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Talking to a colleague at work. "This guy is mad, his computer is running really slow."

Of course it is running really slow, computers don't have legs.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadyLondon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname β€œMr. Compromise.”

It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname "Mr. Compromise."

It wasn't my first choice, but I'm ok with it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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