I enjoy the cold weather

But only to a certain degree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Mom said I should dress in layers for the cold weather...

Now where am I going to find hens for this task?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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With all the cold weather we're having this March, I'm happy that ...

https://i.imgur.com/9L4InP9.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boostedit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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In really cold weather climates, it's always a good idea to have an extra set of gloves on hand
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xerafoo
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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If one makes a lot of mistakes when texting in cold weather, they need to get warm...

For it is an early sign of typo-thermia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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My boss asked me if my wife liked cold weather states.

I said I'm not sure Alaska.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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What vegetable grows best in cold weather?

Iceberg!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shmeggt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Schools were closed today due to cold weather

It was literally too cool for school.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtravar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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I became a world renowned expert on cold weather.

And it only took 2 degrees to do it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, my daughter mentioned to me that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. β€œIt’s the early signs of typothermia.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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With the recent oppressively cold weather, my Girlfriend suggested we move south

Me: I can't take this winter anymore! GF: Let's move to Texas Me: Let's...Well on second thought, we shouldn't. GF: Why not? Me: Because, all my ex' live in Texas

It got a solid laugh...and a little I hate you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneMan_OneBeard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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Autocorrect was my pal on this one

My girlfriend was texting me from a different city and said "The weather app said it would be cold today yet it's ducking 73 out here and I'm wearing a sweater."

I hit her with the "Geese babe, that seriously isn't pheasant at all..."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ouipareils
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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Floyd Mayweather

My wife and I were sitting outside last night and it's been really cold here for the month of May. We live in Floyd County, Indiana.

Wife: "It sure is cold for the month of May."

Me:" Must be this weather in Floyd County during the month of May. I guess you could call it "Floyd Mayweather".....

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
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Two in one day

My boss and a couple other employees were discussing how I came in even though I was sick and one employee, who is from the Ukraine said "I guess I dont get sick because I ha e better genes to handle the cold weather." My boss replied with "Well what are they? Levis?" We all had a giggle.

Later that very same day I delivered a bag to a post office which must've went out by mistake because it had zero items. When I was leaving the man who received the delivery said to me "Have a good day and thanks for nothin!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/revenantwolf
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Got my girlfriend while we were out doing some last minute Christmas shopping

Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y

Me: What flavor?

Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Christmas Dad Joke

My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner...

During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, "Looks like it is snowing outside." The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, "No, it's definitely raining." The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maniacdrew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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Dadjokes at the bank.

Me (bank teller): "Hi, what can I do for you?"

Customer: "I'd like to make a deposit and if you could withdrawal some warm weather and deposit the cold I'd be happy with that too!"

The man then looked down at his kid who was grinning from ear to ear and gave him a high five. Had a nice chuckle after that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Husband got me today on vacation.

My husband, mother-in-law and I are in Panama for thanksgiving. We were hanging out by the pool talking about the weather back home vs the weather here in Central America.

Then my husband said "do you know what South American country gets pretty cold?"

Mother-In-law: "Argentina?"

Me: "I believe Brazil gets kind of cold in some parts"

Husband: "No, Chilè!!"

Me: "oh goodness"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrenbirds
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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I prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x7ramjet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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I prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x7ramjet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...

I nodded knowingly. β€œIt’s the early signs of typothermia.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
🚨︎ report
I LOVE cold weather

...but only to a certain degree.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeycules
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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