My coffee maker said some really horrible things about me while it was brewing my coffee.

That’s the last time I have a dark roast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Why should you insult your coffee beans before brewing them?

To make sure they are well roasted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aggressive_Pear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, β€œYOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

I went full sexist pig, β€œYOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”

She replied coldly, β€œNo, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

I guffawed, β€œI can’t believe that, show me!”

So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, β€œHEBREWS!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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How do Finnish people brew their coffee?

They use a perkele-tor.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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What is the secret to great cold brew coffee?

Using a brrrrr grinder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewestAckount
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Computer Coffee..

I was telling my wife a story about a programmer that was able to run a computer script on a Coffee Machine.

It would brew the coffee for the person exactly as they reached the machine, my wife jokingly said, "he speaks computer coffee."

That is when Dad Joke came in and I said, you could say that he speaks Java.

She walked outside without saying anything and stared at the yard for a while.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scopecontro1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My friend started a java joint run by himself in Tel Aviv...

It's call HeBrews Coffee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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[laywer joke] Worried about my court case, I forgot to use a coffee filter this morning!

After it brewed, the coffee had too many grounds to appeal...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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The smell of coffee

My pregnant wife, whose sense of smell is extremely heightened, complains about the smell of coffee as it is being brewed.

My response is that it is heaven scent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PetroAg13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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Dad and Mom working together

Family in kitchen awaiting breakfast

Dad: "Honey, make me some coffee."

Mom: "Make your own coffee"

Dad: "A women's place is in the kitchen, so you have to make it"

Mom: "No, it says in the bible that men make coffee"

Dad: "It does? Where?"

*Opens bible and points to the book of "HeBrews"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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I went over to this Jewish guys house

He brewed us some coffee.

I'm sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Bridgeburner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Got dadjoked by my roommate this morning while getting coffee

We went to a bagel and coffeeshop this morning for breakfast. As we were fixing our coffee, two coffee workers began arguing over thrown out bagels.

My roommate looked at me and said, "looks like there's some bagel drama brewing." I told him he will make a great dad some day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obeseelise
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Just caught myself saying this earlier...

I made some Coffee and I said with to myself out loud as I was getting my cup:

"Coffee! Don't mind if I brew!"

That's when I thought of the name of a Cafe I need to open.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v3n0mat3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2014
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