Coffee Beans Puns

By grounding him

Does that make them Coffinated?

A brrrrr grinder

Jim Beans

They’re always getting roasted!

It was grounds for divorce.

To make sure they are well roasted.

But it is when it's ground.

He got grounded

Only when it's ground.

A grounds-keeper

They could be used as grounds for divorce

He was being roasted.

I maintain that's grounds for divorce.

After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.

I prefer my coffee ground.

And my dad was wondering if I was almost finished so we could leave.

Dad: How far away are you?

Me: Oh, I don't know, maybe about ha-

Dad: pokes my leg This far away!

They said it was grounds for termination.

Because it got mugged

SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?

Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast

SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!

Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?

Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.

Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.

Boss: Glaring Intensifies

Coffee beans.

Said the coffee maker to the coffee beans

Was getting coffee from the coffee machine when the machine said: "Fill Beans"

So I turned to my coworker and said: "Who is this Fill Beans?"

To which he responded: "I think he's from the Philippines"

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her head again.

“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”

She shakes her head.

“An affogato?”

She shakes her head.

The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”

The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.

The barista grabs it too.

They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.

The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”

The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”

Walking through town, my wife heavily pregnant and me carrying a bag of fresh coffee. I pretended to carry the coffee under my shirt and be pregnant, holding my baby.

The real baby started moving and kicking and my wife said "mine is much more lively than yours!" I replied, "I dunno, mines full of beans."

Got actual laughter

My wife works at the school across the street from our home and she takes two travel mugs to work to get her through the day.

She was telling me the next time we buy whole bean coffee that she wanted to grind it finer so that it would go farther. I asked her "Farther than across the street?!"

We have a ten week old son and his humor has gotten lamer and lamer by the day. We moved our coffee table out of the way to vacuum and I said, 'It would be really cool to just put a giant love sack there instead of a table' (a love sack is one of those giant bean bag chairs).

He looked at me and without missing a beat belts out 'Cuz a loooove sack, is a little old place where....we can sit to-getherrrrrrr.' Laughs at his own joke... All the way up the stairs.

And it begins.

TL;DR Rock lobster

We were at Starbucks and at the counter, there was a Proposition 65 warning that ground coffee beans give off a chemical that can give cancer. My dad then turns to me and says, "Pilots must not get cancer. They always stay away from the ground. Pilots also have to follow some strict ground rules." I groaned, and he finished it off by saying, "Hey, you better watch it. I might just ground you." Well played, Dad. Well played.

Because it was just ground this morning