Chocolate Shake Puns

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

My family went to an ice cream place last night particularly known for their milkshakes. It was our turn to order.

Mom: I will have a chocolate shake please.

My sister: I'll have a chocolate shake, too.

Me: I'll have a vanilla shake.

My dad: And I will have a handshake. Sticks out hand towards employee

I love my dad.

Making a SOY protein shake when my dad walks in.

Dad: whatchya doing? Me: making a protein shake Dad: what kind? Me: Chocolate.

My dad picks up the large bottle of protein powder and exclaims, ' 24 grams of protein?! No whey...'

We were driving up to Austin to see a show sans kid for the evening, and stopped by a Culver's to get some delicious snacks for the road.

He got this mint chocolate chip shake thing and worked on it for the better part of 30 minutes before he sighed and put the cup down. He said, "This is too much. I just can't handle anymore."

I asked if he meant he was too full. "No, not physically," he said. "It's too strong in flavor. I can't take anymore, mentally."

I nodded, and after a second, said, "You can't take anymore, MINTally."

He facepalmed.

My dad was eating a chocolate bunny, and when he bit the ears off he turned to me and said, "This rabbit said, I can't hear anymore".

All I could do was shake my head.