Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?

Because they have literally no chants in Hell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I went to watch the cheerleading team perform but left in disgust

It was one big pyramid scheme.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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Did you hear about the cowboy who wanted to be a cheerleader but couldn't because of his uncontrollable gas?

He was the rootinest tootinest cowboy in the wild west

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainnT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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Why doesn't the Houston basketball team have cheerleaders?

Rocketcheering is a federal crime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_ME_YOUR_PRIORS
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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What do you call the cheerleaders and dancers of the Chicago Bulls in the 1980s? imgur.com/u8fqr9d
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diligencet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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What did the cheerleader drink before the big game?

A root beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Renfrief
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Why do mushrooms make great cheerleaders?

Because they provide great morel support.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roo1111
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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What did the cheerleader say when returning her under cooked meat skewers?

RAW RAW SHISH KEBAB!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictoriousEgret
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Chubby cheerleader

Sitting in the car at Sonic (an American drive-in restaurant)

Daughter: Wow, that's a pretty fat cheerleader

Dad: Maybe she's a cheergallon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bukbukbagok
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Why do pigs make good cheerleaders?

They'll always root for you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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What color are cheerleaders?

Yeller.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoriartyHPlus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
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[On a date] Her: So, what were you like in high school?

Me: You know there’s always a guy who drives a fancy car and has sex with all the cheerleaders?

Her: Yeah?

Me: I’m the guy who taught him calculus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Dad joke backfire.

So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.

Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"

Her : "What now?"

Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")

"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"

Her : "What?"

Me : "A human toe."

Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.

"Eeeewwww. Then what?"

Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM

Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."

And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pimpnocchio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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Got a vasectomy earlier this week. Can't masturbate for a while so I have lots of free time for dad jokes.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neverthesame2x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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My dad's favorite

I feel like I can subscribe to this sub considering I'm a new dad and need a good arsenal to embarrass my daughter... Anyway, here you go...

When talking about his days bowling in college... "Those cheerleaders never could do a 7-10 split."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachlasso
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
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What do cheerleaders drink before the big game?

Root Beer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_EatMyAsparagus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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