Did you hear about the man you set up a shark fishing school in Australia?
It cost him an arm and a leg...
Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?
Because they have literally no chants in Hell.
Who were hurt in the bridge collapse in Australia?
The ones that were down under.
Supper in Australia is sdowner
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
Did you know Australia is the world leader in knowledge about cans?
Yeah apparently its full of can-gurus!
My daughter claims her school is huanted and wanted to call the ghost busters.
I told her to call the cheerleading squad instead. Figured they might know the school spirit.
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
What happened to the Baked Beans that went around Australia?
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
Falling in love is dangerous.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
What do they call Halloween in Australia?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I went to watch the cheerleading team perform but left in disgust
It was one big pyramid scheme.
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Live savings spent in a second
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Is this sub still active?
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
How does an Optometrist in Australia greet his patients?
In regards to the toilet paper shortage in Australia
The entire stock - wiped out
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