I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
I was in line at the bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance
If you're ever in India you have to check out my favorite restaurant
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country
Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."
And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over."
I wonder how many times before they airlock me.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
When I was training to be a teller, an old woman came in and asked me to check her balance.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids' suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
I was in Bangkok with my wife recently. I suggested we check out one of the many temples.
She said “wat pho?”
And I said “idk just to get a little culture?”
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, “Son, look, check out my new AirPods!”
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
While driving my wife says to me: there is a problem with my check in July.
Me: check in July?
Wife: yes, it is on
Went to check what fuel was used in the Vatican City
Tax audit guy: It says in your file that you have money for nothing and checks for free.
Man: Am I in trouble?
Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.
If you follow this link to comments, and check OP's gif, this should be in the hall of fame...
https://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/aqpdep/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed/egho6hb?context=1
The first thing I need to do today is check in on my stoner buddy.
He is high on my list of priorities.
It was my first day on the job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. My boss gave me the easiest, but most important, job on the assembly line. After a few hours, my boss frantically ran to my station to check in on me. "Why are you so far behind? Why are marbles and thread scattered everywhere?"
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
I told my girlfriend that I had ripped my pants. I shouted from the other room, "Honey, come check out this big ass hole in my jeans!"
She was not pleased to see me grinning and pointing at myself.
So, I'm waiting in the check out line carrying a 30 pack of Coors Light.
When the lady in front of me looks at me and says.
Lady: That beer look real heavy.
Me: Well ma'am, it says right here on the box that it's light beer.
The back-up camera in my car always shows the message, "Check your surroundings for Safety".
I always check, but haven't seen safety yet.
A photon of light checks in to a hotel ...
the bellhop asks: "any bags?"
the photon: "nope, I'm traveling light."
Dad hands my brother his unopened mail saying there's a check in the top one.
Sure enough, he opens it and a check comes out.
> Bro: How did he know?
> Me: I bet he checked.
My dad just said this to my brother who accidentally washed his check in the laundry.
Dad - "You know that's illigal, right?"
Bro - "What?"
Dad - "Money laundering"
[At the grocery check out] Do you want your milk in a bag?
No, just leave it in the jug please.
Got my wife in the grocery check out aisle.
When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.
"Wow that's a lot of sausages."
"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."
"Sweet!"
"...actually, they're hot."
grinning intensifies
"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"
maximum grinning
My dad wrote out a check to my business and then dropped it in front of me.
When it landed on the table he said "Good, it didn't bounce!"
My girlfriend got a $500 check in the mail.
http://i.imgur.com/8G3tmp2.jpg
Went to the zoo with my family and my dad told us to check out the big bobcat in the black rhino pen....
http://i.imgur.com/vZKA4iG.jpg
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance
I lost my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I was in the bank the other day, an old woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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