I got my car horn fixed at a Lion King themed shop called Scar's Auto Body.

Beep repaired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.

He fixed it and said, β€œBeep repaired”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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What does a cow’s car horn sounds like?

Beef beef

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paoerfuuul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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The scoutmaster and the mechanic (probably heard before) What did the mechanic say to the scoutmaster when he fixed the horn on his car?

Beep repaired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooterscuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Better Classic Blonde Joke

How can you tell a blonde has been blowing the car horn?

All the lipstick on the steering wheel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Good God No!!

One time I was hiking with my dad and we got caught in a rainstorm. As we were driving back I was changing out of my wet shirt in the car. And as soon as my shirt was up over my face he yelled "Good god no!!" and started swerving and beeping the horn. I thought I was going to die. Thanks dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/albert_camus69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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I thought he was real until I was like 10...

Once and a while in the car, when my dad noticed I was distracted (playing my gameboy, reading, etc) he would honk the horn and wave out the window. He said it was his brother 'Raoul', I just missed him. I always wondered why I never met uncle Raoul, or what he was always doing standing out in a farmer's field or something. God damnit dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rro99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Wife came out with a cracker of a joke the other morning...

So she's driving me in to work because my car's at the garage having some work done, when there's a sudden beep of horns and a minor road rage incident between two identical cars like this:

https://carleasingmadesimple.com/news/v01/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Mini-Countryman-rear-view-1024x767.jpg

Without even a split second hesitation she comes out with "Well, you'd think their fellow countryman would simply let them merge wouldn't you?".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanJT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
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My italian/american dad who doesnt speak very good english, his attempt

You know why deer get hit by cars

Because their horns dont work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastaholic187
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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Car Check.

Dad: "Hey buddy, can you check under the car? Something doesn't sound right."

puts head under engine bay

Me: "I don't think I hear anyth-"

Dad: honks horn for 5 seconds, laughs maniacally after he hears the thump of my head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanmillah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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What did the Boy Scout say after he fixed his dad's car horn?

"Beep repaired."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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What did Scar say after he fixed his car horn?

BEEP REPAIRED

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pickelsurprise
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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