Captain Pun

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled โ€œWhats going on?!"

His first mate replied โ€œWe Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!โ€

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said โ€œInform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MalosBlade
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2019
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Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 21 2021
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If Captain America was a weaboo.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DevotionInChains
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2021
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Captain Kirks wife has just opened a new lingerie shop.

Its called Shatner Knickers.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 26 2021
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Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second-hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Melvin-_-_-Marvelous
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2021
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Why didn't the captain of the Titanic think to melt the iceberg?

He hadn't thawed of that

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/lordofthstrings
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 15 2021
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Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheCVisNih
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 09 2021
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Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I donโ€™t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.

Crew: I I Caprain.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 29 2020
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The Captain of our flight called the cops when he saw a film crew

He heard they were there to shoot a pilot

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/I_Only_Have_One_Hand
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 31 2020
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/klwill1192
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 16 2020
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What did Captain Kirk say to Spock as he was hanging off a cliff?

Just Klingon, Iโ€™ll go get help!

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/trendfoll
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 21 2020
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A pirate wanted to celebrate his captainโ€™s birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, โ€œArrr! That was a costly mistake...โ€

โ€œWe lost a lot of doubloons.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Unfussed
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 28 2020
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What did Captain America say to his wife after taking Viagra?

"I can keep this up all night"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ElgarRS
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 25 2020
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If Captain Marvel got snapped by Thanos...

she'd be Debris Larson.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Negative_Integer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 29 2020
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While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thesmartass1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 18 2020
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Somebody get the Captain! Thereโ€™s been a hull breach! Weโ€™re going down!

Oh sorry, wrong sub

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 40
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Roku-Hanmar
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 08 2020
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Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?

He was cap-sized.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SpartanMonkey
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 12 2020
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Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, โ€œyou have a captainโ€™s steering wheel in your pants.โ€

Pirate replied, โ€œarghh, itโ€™s driving me nutsโ€.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/legendary-jake
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2020
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Where was the captain sent after he hit another ship?

anchor management

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Ocean_Beast
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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Captain America at his best
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/iamrdk21
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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What does Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?

They both fight Klingons around Uranus.

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shdchko
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 14 2020
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A Navy captain got in trouble for ordering an anchor much too large for his ship

Weigh more than needed

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DweadPiwateWoberts
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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What did Bones say to Captain Kirk at the river crossing?

Dam it, Jim (Be gentle itโ€™s my cake day)

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Guru_in_flannel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 25 2020
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Why did the pirate captain say "Arrr!"

The crew came to him and said:

"We be ready for the voyage, cap'n!" "Arrr! It's 'we ARE ready for the voyage,' ye scallywags!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MrMaebart
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 01 2020
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Why do Egyptian riverboat captains tend to be flat-earthers?

Because they live in da Nile.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/trippy-puppy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 14 2020
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How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?

Single-handedly.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 30 2020
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Captain America doesnโ€™t even call them Freedom Fries.
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mr-JasonTe
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 24 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasnโ€™t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, โ€œone ship off the port side!โ€ Immediately the captain yells at his crew, โ€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!โ€

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they donโ€™t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, โ€œTwo ships off the port side!โ€ Quickly the captain screams, โ€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!โ€ The crew doesnโ€™t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, โ€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?โ€

The captain replies, โ€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like Iโ€™m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.โ€

The men canโ€™t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, โ€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!โ€

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, โ€œMen, bring me my brown pants.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RecTym
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2020
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Where does captain hook get good deals on used prosthetics?

At the second hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/-umop-apisdn
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 20 2020
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Captain America vs Wolverine imgur.com/Uhy8rOJ
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Xerotrope
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 14 2020
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Should we give Captain America's fight technique a name. I have one.

Capslock

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/geeky_or_nerdy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 11 2020
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Why didnt Captain America lift Thorโ€™s hammer untill he needed to?

He didnโ€™t want to steal his thunder

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Parkwad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 29 2020
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How many ears do Star Trek captains have?

3

A left ear.

A right ear.

And a final frontier

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RayInRed
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 02 2020
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I have a friend who is obsessed with the Scarlett Witch, Captain Marvel, and Black Widow.

I guess you can say he's a heroine addict.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/drogers5606
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 02 2020
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Captain America humour be like
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AgentAqua7897
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 21 2020
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What is Captain Morganโ€™s fav board game to play with his family?

Rummoli

:)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/not_a_fly
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 13 2020
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Cut the potatoes into penis shapes and fill your boat with them. Now you are the captain of a ...

Dictatorship.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 23 2020
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Captain America
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Thanatoskillsworth
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 26 2020
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Captain America got point
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/iamsdhere
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 23 2020
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The first thing Iโ€™ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is

โ€œYou ainโ€™t seeing half of the insurance moneyโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Wu-Chinese
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 06 2020
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Where does captain hook like to shop?

The second-hand store.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/InterwebWeasel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 27 2020
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

>!The second hand store.!<

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Unclebigfoote
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 08 2020
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Captain Marvel got snapped by Thanos.

She was played by Debris Larson.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Negative_Integer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 25 2020
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Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks ?

At the second hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 88
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Fuck-o-Dear
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 23 2020
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I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook

He got it from a second-hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 474
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ryansberc21
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 23 2019
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Where did captain hook buy his hook

The second hand store

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 110
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Nihilman
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 31 2020
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