My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
π︎ 118
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Why canβt candles burn during the week?
Because they only burn on wick ends
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What burns longer; a red candle or a blue candle?
Neither; they both burn shorter!
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 01 2021
My sister becomes physically ill when I burn her toast.
It turns out she's black-toast-intilerant.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
When dad burns breakfast
π︎ 31
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he drank coffee before it was cool.
π︎ 119
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool
π︎ 154
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Came up with this joke for my surgeon at the burn center.
What do you call a guy with a thermal injury to his patella?
>!Bernie!<
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
How do you quickly burn 900 calories?
By forgetting the pizza in the oven
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
Why did Tiger Woods' house burn down?
Because he got rid of all his hose.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Why do fairies burn when in contact with metal?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.
π︎ 334
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
My son told me, βDad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.β
I said, βThatβs Heinz sight for you.β
π︎ 450
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Why did the hipster burn his lips on coffee?
He drank it before it was cool!
(My old Language Arts teacher said this.)
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate.
That would explain the doughnuts.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Sep 30 2019
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
π︎ 421
π
︎ May 14 2020
Churn and burn
At least thatβs what the witch Puritans used to say.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Shoe company burns down
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
I just gave a sick burn to a load of hedges shaped into a pattern.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 24 2019
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
I hate people who keep telling me that I need to be saved or else I'm going to burn.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
Oh man that burns...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
What would Mr. Burns say if he were a wizard?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
Burn the living room.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Dec 22 2019
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?
They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 17 2020
What do you call someone who burns all their loan documents?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool
π︎ 62
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate pizza before it was cool
π︎ 51
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he ate the pizza before it was cool π
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
π︎ 56
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 18 2018
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his breakfast before it was cool.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 24 2020
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
π︎ 184
π
︎ Sep 30 2019
I hate when people knock on my door and tell me I need to get "saved" or else I will "burn."
π︎ 380
π
︎ Aug 09 2019
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 02 2020
How did the hipster burn their tongue?
Ate their meal before it was cool.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool
π︎ 27
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
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