News flash: A sewage truck exploded on the highway.

Many nearby were left with turd debris burns.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSabrewulf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are firemen so passionate about fire?

You could say that they have a burning interest.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DonDrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Whoever created autocorrect,

I hope you burn in hello

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are firemen so hot?

Because they’re always running in and out of burning buildings

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mitace1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
After we awoke, my wife told me to put the dark roast on.

I told her that burning meat was a sin. When I came to she had moooooved out.

  • sips coffee
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
"Have you heard about the Asian chef that spilled soup?"

"Yes, he burned his Japaknees,"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamnothingtoo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried clog dancing this weekend.

Unfortunately the Drano kept burning my feet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoruusSkywalker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.

After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground. "What do you think caused this?" One asked the other. The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Your undergraduate diploma was a complete waste of money, you should throw it in the fire.

That's a first degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
2 blondes talking....

1st blonde: "I'm going to be the first woman to land on the Sun."

2nd blonde: "Don't be stupid, you'll burn."

1st blonde: "Nah!! I've got a plan. I'm going at night."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Buying a box of Duraflame logs always requires a little thought...

I have to decide if I have $20 to burn.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyWhatsItToYa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My sister fell in love with a welder.

She got burned

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call being roasted by a guy with Ph.D?

A 3rd Degree Burn.

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Badjuju_Gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I always had a feeling that my son would grow up to be a pyromaniac.

He always had the burning desire.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said β€˜stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.

Martha was burning with curiosity

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/husbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?

One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Should crematoriums give discounts...

to burns victims?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on

You'll get burned out

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I need to start a witch themed spicy steak sauce company.

Our slogan would be, β€œThe only acceptable way to be burned at the steak.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make holy water?

You burn the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat

You might get a turd degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I once tried to start a comedy career by telling jokes about my days as a pilot.

Sadly, I could never get my jokes to land, and just kept crashing and burning on stage.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
He's your son when he makes all As, but...

... he's arson when he burns down buildings.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
KID: "Hey, I was thinking…"

DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon_777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What is an arsonist’s favorite song?

Burning Down the House

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigECheese1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you cremate someone who died on Pi Day?

You burn them on their funeral Ο€res

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was chopping vegetables for dinner

But then I saw the pizza burning so I had to cut it short.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smithsea2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Roses are red. Violets are read. The grass is red.

My garden burns

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Berster6
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYou have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 490
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.

They were some real 3rd degree burns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turtle-tamer-73
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought my airplane joke would really take off

But instead it just crashed and burned

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Henry5705
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t people take action against global warming?

Some people just want to watch the world burn

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/punk_loki
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to guy that listened to the match?

He burned his ear

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsyaboii101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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