My five year old daughter had a blue colored sucker before bed. As I was brushing her teeth, I noticed they were a bit discolored.
“Hey! You’ve got Bluetooth!” I said.
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
He was a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
...just wait until bed time, Oral-B revealed.
Daughter: What are summer teeth?
Me: Well. Summer there. But some ain't.
Because every time your dentist gave them to you she dyed a little inside!
He got valhallatosis.
He then proceeds to take out his dentures, brushes them and whistles.
If you don't, you might get gingervitus
My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when he turned his head and she accidentally got tooth paste on his nose. He looked into the mirror and said excitedly, "Mom, I look like I'm Bluedolph the reindeer". I knew there was more than one reason I keep this kid around.
A toothbrush, a bed, and a chair.
He puts his pajamazon
...but I think that's hogwash.
He said, "Yeah, I brushed them with Daniel (little brother)."
I replied, "Most of us prefer to use a toothbrush. Does a better job."
me grinning at him
"Oh. Oh, mommy!"
He cracked up. I've still got it!
*Names changed to protect the innocent **Yes, I know I'm a mom, but it's still a dad joke. :)
Only the ones you want to keep.
*happily, at 5, my daughter is still young enough to appreciate this one.
If it had been invented any where else it would be called a teeth brush.
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Me: "Doc, whenever I brush my teeth, I get the feeling that there is a 10 cent coin, nearby."
Dentist: "Are you brushing with Sense-a-dime?"
Me just now to the my kids:
“Make sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”
Every so often I'd see him in the bathroom brushing his teeth after lunch. Of course, I would greet him with, "Hi Gene!" I'd then turn away and do my business all while giggling to myself.
I forgot to brush my teeth...
"Our main story tonight is about a 100 year old woman who says her secret to old age is walking around barefoot and never brushing her teeth. More news on this super calloused fragile mistress hexed with halitosis after the break."
His punishments never make any sense, ey
I don't know why I thought of that while brushing my teeth late at night but I'm glad I did. haha punishments, I didnt even realise its a 2 in 1 pun. I can now go to sleep knowing I have reached the zenit of my comedic career.
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr... keep reading on reddit ➡
So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her "You know why eating a clock is a bad idea?"
She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming.
"Because it's very time consuming."
She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it.
A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by "that was really, really lame, honey!"
Me: "He's just brushing his teeth."
Entire family: GROAN.
So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.
It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Me: Every day?
Me: Every single day?
Her: Sí, Señor.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.
So like 2 minutes ago I was brushing my teeth, my dad walks in and does a massive fart.
Me: im outta here. Dad: no, you have plenty of it. Me: what?? Dad: on your head, you have a head full.
If someone is around while my dad is looking at himself in the mirror as he's getting ready for the day (shaving, brushing teeth, etc.) he'll say "Wow, I can't wait until tomorrow." The person will say, "Why?" and he'll go "Because I just get better and better looking every day!"
We're getting ready for bed.
Wife: It's time for bed, I'm going to brush my teeth.
Me: Well good, I married [wife's name], not Hallie tosis.
It was totally worth the groaning.
So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.
He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.
"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."
Little me was about 12 years old when one morning my dad rushed into my room and woke me up. He told me that i was late for shool and that i need to get up and dress myself.
I, still kind of sleeping, ran into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, got dressed, took my schoolbag and right when I opened the door my dad said: "What are you doing? It's Saturday."
"Do kangaroos use kangaroo-th paste to brush their teeth?"
So we were having dinner with some family friends of ours when our friends wide started talking about an award she won a few years back. Her husband: "Did they give you any proof"
Her: "Yea I have a plaque!"
Her husband: "Well maybe you should brush your teeth more!"
Cue collective half groan half laughs.
So my step daughter is recovering from having here wisdom teeth pulled 3 days ago.
She just asked "so how do I brush my teeth"? (Her dentist gave special instructions).
I replied "with a tooth brush".
She flips me off. God I love my kids.