The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Why did Joseph keep bringing up tractors on the firing line?

'cause he was Stalin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steadmanthewhale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Meeting up with friends, and asked if I was bringing a date.

I said I wasn't bringing any fruit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatLakesLove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
🚨︎ report
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, β€œYeah.”

I said, β€œI knew it!”

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Want people to show up? Bring food.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.

They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/girloffthecob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".

"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations

Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Why don't you bring up politics or religion around pirates?

Because they love to arrr-gue and never sea eye-to-eye(patch)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”

Her: Yes

Me: I knew it!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Looking up at the calendar today, my son asked me, "If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?" I answered, "I don't know, what?"

He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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My wife yelled up the stairs at me "Can you bring me .... nevermind"

... so I sent my niece downstairs with the Nirvana album.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuckinMoran
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Dad brings home a nice framed photo. Me: Hey dad, are you going to put it up yourself?

Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine

His name is Jack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeri5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Unknowingly Dad joked my mate's dad when I was 8. 14 years later he still brings it up.

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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In an effort to try to bring their snacks up to speed in terms of technology, Lay's is shrinking the size of their product by more than 50%.

They're calling them microchips.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A man once looked up and saw his cows on a mountain. He panicked and decided to bring them down but was really scared to do so.

Why?

Because the steaks were very high!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mihirbhatkar87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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With the trailer for the new Star Wars finally being released, I hope they finally bring up Darth Vader’s wife.

Ella.

Their relationship really had it’s ups and downs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Akathecaptain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
You should never date an archaeologist,

Because they're dating other people/Because they keep bringing up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/code_punk_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I talk about the song Uptown Funk all the time and always bring it up in conversations.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's.

Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one... Apparently I'm bringing her up right.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Dadjoke my girlfriend still brings up months later

So I was working on a beard for a show I was in on the time, and it was starting to come in well. We were sitting together and leans over and goes, "Ya know, the beard is really growing on me." I thought about it for a second and said, "No...it's growing on me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heycactus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m such a state! What will Della wear to the picnic? And who else will be there? What will we do?

I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I don’t know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just don’t think we’ll know what to expect. Like last time, we don’t know Michigan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leehawkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My stepdad cheers me up and brings me down at the same.

Disclaimer: not a regular dad joke.

My wife (+ step kids) and I split up earlier this year and I told my stepdad I was feeling pretty bummed out with it being Father's Day and me now kidless, so I rode my motorcycle to the beach to get some wings. He said "don't worry about it, if I had the choice between being a father or getting wings, I would have gotten wings too." Can't decide if I should feel better or worse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peabo721
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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Waking up after a night of drinking my girlfriend asked me to bring her some green tea to aid her hangover

I came back with this http://imgur.com/9KgUeRK

Dad jokes are the best medicine

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deutschbag17
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
🚨︎ report
If someone could bring me ground up wood chips...

It would be mulch appreciated

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2016
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I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.

I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...

"Well, it's in bread."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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History lessons

When I fight with my wife, she keeps getting historical.

You mean, hysterical, right?

No, she keeps bringing up the past

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/checker280
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a date with a history teacher, but I don’t think we’ll have a second one

She kept bringing up the past.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakazoidd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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How-do-we-make-babies joke

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calam_n_fish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams...

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Dear Mother in law,

Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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