A list of puns related to "Bringing Up"
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Donβt tell the wise men!
'cause he was Stalin!
I said I wasn't bringing any fruit.
She said, βYeah.β
I said, βI knew it!β
Theyβre a big fan of gross domestic products.
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My response: Not sure son, thatβs kind of a grey area.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"
His son replied.
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."
His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.
"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"
"Okay son, go ahead."
The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.
On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"
His son replied.
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."
His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.
"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"
The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.
On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."
Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.
"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want
... keep reading on reddit β‘Because they love to arrr-gue and never sea eye-to-eye(patch)
Her: Yes
Me: I knew it!
He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"
... so I sent my niece downstairs with the Nirvana album.
It was a wurst case scenario.
Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadnβt been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, βIβll bet $100 that the octopus canβt play these bagpipes.β
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, βHurry up and start playing the thingβ
The octopus spewed, βPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"
His name is Jack
I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...
They're calling them microchips.
Why?
Because the steaks were very high!
Ella.
Their relationship really had itβs ups and downs.
Because they're dating other people/Because they keep bringing up the past.
There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits β all from late twentieth-century Terra β on a training study of Carterβs World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.
βLook at the perfection with which these streets are gradedβ, exclaimed one student. βEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?β
βA new alleyway is being constructed, nearbyβ, said Feghoot. βLet us walk that way while I explain.β As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carterβs World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.
βI seeβ, said the student. βItβs not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.β
βThatβs right,β Feghoot went on smoothly. βYou just hit the road jack and donβt come back no mo.β
His students registered dismay and anguish.
βIsnβt that right, old-timer?,β Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.
βAhm afraid not, suhβ, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. βOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. Itβs the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
βSo you see,β he finished, eyes twinkling, βMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.β
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. βAnd heβ, he said, turning to his students, βis clearly the gradi
... keep reading on reddit β‘Donβt believe me? Just watch.
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's.
Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one... Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
So I was working on a beard for a show I was in on the time, and it was starting to come in well. We were sitting together and leans over and goes, "Ya know, the beard is really growing on me." I thought about it for a second and said, "No...it's growing on me."
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I donβt know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just donβt think weβll know what to expect. Like last time, we donβt know Michigan.
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
Disclaimer: not a regular dad joke.
My wife (+ step kids) and I split up earlier this year and I told my stepdad I was feeling pretty bummed out with it being Father's Day and me now kidless, so I rode my motorcycle to the beach to get some wings. He said "don't worry about it, if I had the choice between being a father or getting wings, I would have gotten wings too." Can't decide if I should feel better or worse.
I came back with this http://imgur.com/9KgUeRK
Dad jokes are the best medicine
It would be mulch appreciated
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
"Well, it's in bread."
All offenses aside, Iβm originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.
So an Irishman stumbles upon a genieβs lamp and says to himself βooh laddy what have we found here? I tink Iβll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!β
So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genieβs form becomes solid. It speaks, βOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.β
The Irishmanβs eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts βtree wishes?! Thatβs just brilliant!β For me first wish, Iβll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.β
The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. βWell I tink weβll have to put this to the test!β He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, βAhhhhhhhh!!!β And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping βbulp!β, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. βWELL IβLL BE! THATβS THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!β
The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman βMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?β
The Irishman looks to the genie and says βoh tatβs easy! Iβll have two more of these!β
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
When I fight with my wife, she keeps getting historical.
You mean, hysterical, right?
No, she keeps bringing up the past
Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?
Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But Iβm not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.
She kept bringing up the past.
Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.
His wife answered the door.
"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."
"That much?"
"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."
"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.
"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
It was a wurst case scenario.
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
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