With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matthieunc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I'm raising money for a new row of shrubs by selling stock...

Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?

Shake hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?

Initiative

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BorgClanZulu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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There are many wonderful moments and beautiful sights when raising a child.

But the sight of your daughter stealing the last piece of chicken is truly breast taking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Raising the bar with every comment.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBrownGames
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Raising chickens at home, just asked my Dad "how do I tell if a baby chick is male or female?"

Dad: "look for the pecker"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pillowblood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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I love raising caterpillars as pets.

It always gives me butterflies.

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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What is a small dog raising it paw on a summer day called?

Microwaved hot dog

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Navi66
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Rabbits would probably say that having kids is the hare-raising adventure of a lifetime
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranguPanda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Raising the bar with every comment.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorruptedKing87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I went to Raising Caine's and asked for a hamburger.

They said they weren't Able.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremysomething
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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It's not easy raising origami horses

You've got to know when to hold them AND when to fold them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyalHummingbird
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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I didn't really know how to play Texas Hold Em but luckily my friend was by my side to assist with raising and calling...

He was aiding and a-betting!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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The farmers are really raising the steaks...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour

She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the EMT say when raising money for new supplies

It’s for a good gauze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LHolmie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years.

An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years. He'd had many bees he gave names to, like Buzz or Stripe or Sting. He got a kick out of naming them and he would spend hours with them crawling on his hands, looking at them, holding them gently and humming little songs.

One year, the hive had a new queen, and she was the most magnificent thing he'd ever seen. He usually gave them clever names like Honey, but this one was just too gorgeous for that. He named her Beauty, and he would hum to her everyday as the sun went down.

One day, during a particularly beautiful sunset, the old man was watching his queen as she peddled around in the palm of his hand, singing to her gently, when a gust of wind suddenly blew some debris toward his face. Without thinking, he reacted, moving his hands fast toward his face, and smashed the queen right into his own eye. And so I guess what they say is true, Beauty really is in the eye of the bee holder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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Here's to raising your spirits.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skyliner360
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
If a place for raising cats is a cattery...

Does that make crazy cat ladies Mad Catters?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooseofmusic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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TIL: Some farmers in Bangladesh have switched to raising ducks instead of chickens, because during catastrophic floods, ducks float.

Sounds like they're a bunch of quacks to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehjukebox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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Growing marijuana and raising cattle simultaneously is pretty risky but can be very profitable

It’s a high steaks business model

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high.

Try it. You'll be surprised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KL1P1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
People were furious at the president of Mapco for raising gas prices

He told them all to go to Shell

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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If David Guetta reached his level of fame by raising himself by the bootstraps, does that make him a go-Guetta?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perse95
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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Raising a puppy is sharpening my skills...

[Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert]

[Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out]

Dad: "You gonna throw all these away?"

Mom: "...are you gonna eat all of them?"

Me: "No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.........."

.......It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenatureboy_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Raising the bar of dad jokes.

Last weekend, a group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were waiting in line for a concert in the city. While we were standing around, my girlfriend excitedly started pointing at a hotel a few blocks away.

"Look at the top of that building! I think that's an indoor pool on the top floor!"

Because it was hard to tell and we were bored in line, a debate started about whether it not it was actually a pool, until I stated that it was obviously a bar.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because nice hotels like to set the bar high."

I've never been prouder to make a group of people groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acedude0369
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Raising him right!

An oldie but a goodie...this time from my son...on mother's day! Wife: I'm cold Son: hi cold, I'm Samson

(Dad wipes tear from eye)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rpbowlinggod
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my own daughter... I'm raising her well.

Driving into our neighborhood, windows open, start smelling skunk.

Me: Ugh, why is there skunk smell so far into the city?

Her: Maybe someone was keeping one as a pet, and it... Backfired!

Me: proud groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TapThatSAS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Raising 6 kids mostly on her own meant my Grandma had bring the dad jokes too.

My cousin just asked if he could borrow $20 to buy a box of diapers and he would give it back to her next week.

She says, "I have the money but what am I going to do with a box of diapers?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFatJesus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Must be my southern raising

Whadya call the wife of a hippy?

Mrs. Hippy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ostapack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
🚨︎ report

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