Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?
Shake hands.
Initiative
But the sight of your daughter stealing the last piece of chicken is truly breast taking.
It always gives me butterflies.
Dad: "look for the pecker"
Microwaved hot dog
You've got to know when to hold them AND when to fold them.
They said they weren't Able.
He was aiding and a-betting!
It’s for a good gauze
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers
An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years. He'd had many bees he gave names to, like Buzz or Stripe or Sting. He got a kick out of naming them and he would spend hours with them crawling on his hands, looking at them, holding them gently and humming little songs.
One year, the hive had a new queen, and she was the most magnificent thing he'd ever seen. He usually gave them clever names like Honey, but this one was just too gorgeous for that. He named her Beauty, and he would hum to her everyday as the sun went down.
One day, during a particularly beautiful sunset, the old man was watching his queen as she peddled around in the palm of his hand, singing to her gently, when a gust of wind suddenly blew some debris toward his face. Without thinking, he reacted, moving his hands fast toward his face, and smashed the queen right into his own eye. And so I guess what they say is true, Beauty really is in the eye of the bee holder.
Does that make crazy cat ladies Mad Catters?
Sounds like they're a bunch of quacks to me.
It’s a high steaks business model
Try it. You'll be surprised.
He told them all to go to Shell
[Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert]
[Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out]
Dad: "You gonna throw all these away?"
Mom: "...are you gonna eat all of them?"
Me: "No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.........."
.......It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night.
It is becoming a parent
Last weekend, a group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were waiting in line for a concert in the city. While we were standing around, my girlfriend excitedly started pointing at a hotel a few blocks away.
"Look at the top of that building! I think that's an indoor pool on the top floor!"
Because it was hard to tell and we were bored in line, a debate started about whether it not it was actually a pool, until I stated that it was obviously a bar.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because nice hotels like to set the bar high."
I've never been prouder to make a group of people groan.
An oldie but a goodie...this time from my son...on mother's day! Wife: I'm cold Son: hi cold, I'm Samson
(Dad wipes tear from eye)
Driving into our neighborhood, windows open, start smelling skunk.
Me: Ugh, why is there skunk smell so far into the city?
Her: Maybe someone was keeping one as a pet, and it... Backfired!
Me: proud groan
My cousin just asked if he could borrow $20 to buy a box of diapers and he would give it back to her next week.
She says, "I have the money but what am I going to do with a box of diapers?"
Whadya call the wife of a hippy?
Mrs. Hippy
